The thorn

I was prompted to go for the healing service yesterday evening. I haven't gone for it in a while and the husband was surprised and supportive at the same time, asked why the sudden decision. I wasn't sure, just felt to go and I went. I have been on radiation for the past 4 days and for the past 2 weeks, I have been coughing at night quite a fair bit. It's always this "cackling" noise when I take a deep breath and I have the urge to cough things out, phlegm or whatever that is causing those noises that makes me feel that I am drowning. So as I went for the healing service, I envisioned this super healing power of God, that perhaps God will heal me there and then and I might cough this humongous black rock out and voila, tumor gone. This was driven by the sheer frustration by that "thing" that has temporally been residing in my lung, it's not supposed to be there.
Interestingly I stepped into healing service to hear this message based on 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 preached by Pastor Stanley. 3 times Paul pleaded with the Lord, for the thorn to be removed from him, and the word given to Him is that the Grace of God is more than sufficient for him. Often I've focused on verse 8 about God's grace, but last evening I shared Paul's agony of the thorn, and I believe I have pleaded to God more than 3 times for Him to take it away. Paul of all people would have faith to believe, THE faith to trust in God's miraculous power. Surely God, isn't that enough? However the focus was not upon how easily God could have substituted pain, but how He transforms.
Therefore I am once again resolving my heart the 3 pointers through Paul's experience:

1. Let the thorn drive me to prayer
(I was reminded today that it's not just prayer of human words, but to learn to pray in the Spirit. After all, the spirit knows better, and the ultimate purpose of prayer is not answered prayer but sanctification to Christ likeness)

2. Let the thorn drive me to His grace
Over and over again, I have been reminded of the Father's heart. I think I am getting it a bit more each day. Slowly but surely

3. Let the thorn drive me to praise and not disillusionment
It's easy to feel bitter, and sometimes I do feel that I am loitering in the desert. Daily thanksgiving is not always natural and is often a repeated decision making. But thoughts are so powerful, and that decision to turn away from negativity means sowing into the pleasures of the Holy Spirit instead of putting out the Spirit of God like extinguishing a fire. That split second of obedience like that mentioned in Philippians 4:8 brings praise. There is power in praise.

Thank you holy spirit for moving me to the healing service and the teaching of "life in the spirit" at Church today. You are good, and my soul knows very well.

Learning to listen to His Voice

Today was scheduled to be my 5th cycle of chemotherapy. We also reviewed the results of my PET scan and blood test results. In summary, there is little movement since previous scans. Though an improvement since the beginning but nothing major has happened. Bones side look very promising, but the main concern is still the main tumor in the right lung. Because of that tumor, my right broncho and artery are narrowed and that has been the main cause of my coughing symptoms and the infections, infarctions here and there. 

Though these probably still don't sound terribly exciting still, I want to still testify in the workings of God. In fact, both Kel and I are excited in this juncture and we would like to ask for you to come alongside us in thanksgiving and prayer for what has happened and is to come. 

The oncologist described my case as her "most challenging case" suggested an change of treatment, something that was out of the normal prescription of a stage IV lung cancer and that is to radiate the main tumor instead of carrying on with chemotherapy. The good thing about this is that I give chemotherapy a short break since it wasn't doing me massive benefits radiation should remove that tumor, which means I should not be coughing after that and should be able to breathe much better. The rationale is that the rest of the apparent "cancer hit" areas are small and stable and wasn't giving me any problems (i.e. I almost don't even realize their existence). The collateral damage shouldn't be much (hopefully) and though I may experience some side effects but they are all temporal ones. After radiation, we can then monitor and assess the situation again.

Why I said it was a testimony is that, a couple of weeks ago, I prayed and I felt that the tumor would somehow be removed (medically). I mentioned to Kel after that and asked, what if that tumor was removed and we start afresh? We left that thought on the shelf since I had no idea what that meant then. But when the oncologist suggested the "out of the ordinary" treatment, I knew it sat right. Over the past few days prior to today, Kel felt that I won't have to continue with chemotherapy today. And he was right. the encouragement that came from hearing His voice far outweighs encouragements that comes through reports alone (though I won't complain when that too happens, I told the Lord)

God is working in our lives and we are excited. The oncologist suggested we should pray and think through before giving her an answer tomorrow. Conventional doctors might fear that the break from chemotherapy might cause all other areas to re-emerge and worsen the condition. But I am also glad to say that My God is bigger than all the drugs could possibly do. Didn't the Holy Spirit remind me this morning that I can boast not of my strengths and I add, not boast of medical science, or anything human hands can make. But I can boast in His spirit for His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. His Grace is sufficient. 

Please pray with us, one of the biggest lesson we are learning is to hear the voice of God correctly. Thank you so much for all of you who have been praying and dropping us notes and verses of what God has spoken. I pray that as you join us in prayer, you too will enjoy the walk in the Spirit. 

Happy 3rd Birthday

My dearest sweetie,

I can't believe you're 3! Have I told you, that being a mummy to you is one of the best things that has happened to me. This year has been a rocky year for us as a family but I really thank God that He has blessed us with you. Though there were adjustments to be made, and at times, I could not care for you physically as much as I would love to, you have grown to be sensible and sensitive. Your chirpiness reflected so much of your cheerful personality, something we could have taken for granted with if our life was all normal and rosy. But through this season, you have (and you probably did not even realise) brought so much laughter and often lifted our spirits up. Looking at you, and what God has made you to, there is no reason to walk around like a grouch.

There are times when I still get impatient over your particular'ness over different things and how adamant you can get. But I secretly laugh over how similar you are to me, so who can I blame? Haha I should then laugh at daddy who probably have to put up with us. So in general, this trait of yours have also allow me to be indulged in the insistence of keeping the house neat and clean (big grin). 

At this point, your favorite hobby is painting and drawing. You love hanging out with your cousins and loves going to school of any form. Childcare, Sunday School, Painting Class, Swimming. Its funny to see how you enjoy classroom settings with that ever willingness to go and participate accompanied by your infamous secret smile ("Arrm Chio" in hokkien). You've also grown so much more sociable because of that. (Thank God for Daddy's genes) Of recent, you're well known amongst the family as the "one last minute" girl. So we often get the timer ringing multiple times. 

Happy Birthday my little darling. I am glad that this season has reminded me to slow myself down to cherish the time spent with you. Though this particular season we are in could be rocky and uncertain, and scary they are, I pray that the Holy Spirit will build strong faith in you. So know that whatever situation you are in, you can trust in this God who loves you more than anyone could. Not even daddy or mummy's love could ever replace that. Nevertheless, you are super blessed to be surrounded by the family (both blood related and spiritual family) who loves you (and us). 

Today you had your party with everything of your favorite: Family, friends, painting fun, Char Siew Pau and Corn. You even got to help decorate your Bday Cake. I am so glad you had fun. 

I love you sweetie, and thank you for showering us with your love and kisses always. May you grow each day to know God more so that you will also grow to know the world through His perspective. I noticed that your dress in the picture says :Wild Rose - I pray that you will always remember that you are beautiful inside out,  on top of that strong and resilient.

Love, mummy. 

God, this journey - it is all worth it

I got to know today that my dad testified at the healing meeting of how God has given him peace this season. He said that he was devastated when he first received news of my illness. But ever since he came to know the Lord, he experienced peace. I once doubted the existence of God. Even through the past 10 years of my spiritual journey, I could never imagined how it would be like to share the gospel to my parents and how they could come to know the Lord, being self sufficient and successful in their own rights. My dad has been such a pillar of strength. Just the other day when I was really discouraged due to a bad chest pain, he wrapped his hands round me and said (in chinese), the Holy Spirit living is alive and is living in me, He has the power to heal. The transformation work of the Holy Spirit is so evident, how could I ever have doubted and underestimate the power of His spirit?

Coincidentally today, I watched snippets of P40 (SJSM 40th Anniversary) DVD that consist testimonies of different ones in church and how they walked through their fair share of struggles in life and the goodness God has brought through them. All these could have sounded like such a cliche, but look at what God has already done: The salvation of my parents, the things He is dealing in my walk with Him, reshaping our focus as a family, planting us in a cell and spiritual family. All these would not have happened if our life wasn't suddenly brought to this "critical" point.

So my prayer is still of that unspeakable joy that will govern my heart and give me strength. On top of that is to take joy in His purpose, that the focus is no longer on the circumstances, but on Him alone. There will be such a delight in Him (Psalm 37:4), just like how He takes delight in me (Zephaniah 3:17). 

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. - Psalm 86:11

I pray for a courage and strength to say "God, this journey - it is all worth it"

Preserving a sense of humor

I am trying out blogging with a new app I downloaded for the iPad (I still can't believe my group of JC girlfriends got it for me for my bday this year, thank you and I love you girls!). I hope it works and hope that this can help me jot down ad hoc posts more conveniently.
"Joy" has been a prevailing message through this season from day 1. It's been a great source of strength just like what Nehemiah promised to be. After a grueling night of intensed back pain that developed after an episode of coughs (pain factor to me was 10/10 this time), surely warranted some down time. The husband was at lost and thank God I eventually fell asleep after some desperate prayers. We had a discussion with the oncologist and decided on some pain management strategies to tide through this, hopefully muscular problem. The oncologist asked about my supply of painkillers as we were walking out of the clinic, the husband replied, "running low I think, unless you (referring to me) got some hidden stash of drugs do not know of." I replied, "I think I've still got some hidden in the shoes and under the sheets". The oncologist laughed and gave us a shove and said "two of you...!"
A new pain relief drug was tried and chemotherapy for the day given, I was laughing in a conversation with one of the nurses. She smiled and said, am so glad you're laughing.
I thought back through the events of the day, these popped into my mind. There's always something to thank God for, and in this case, I thank God for the sense of humor around me, my dear husband still cracks me up, and I believe is such a special gift. Learn to laugh even in the most difficult situation, will ya?

Every breath that I take

One of my deepest fear is not being able to breathe. That explains the reason why I will never scuba dive (separate story altogether) and as much as I love sea-sports (I used to sail), I keep them to be "above the water" ie. No need to use oxygen tanks, no need to be submerged fully in water. Breathing with my mouth makes me feel like I am gasping for air. I almost drowned once and that must be the horriblest feeling. I used to run, so breathless is not the biggest issue, I think the problem comes with the combination of water+lack of air.

So with my affected lungs now, I fear, of being breathless and being drowned by I don't know what. Of all the various needles, scans and checks that I've been through, I detest the bronchoscopes, I think I could have injured the doctor if I wasn't half sedated by reacting to the stuff they flushed into my lungs. I was kicking and gasping and coughing. terrible.

Recent dramas of bloody coughs and phlegm really made me very paranoid. The cough has been up and down, antibiotics were given, sometimes there's this strange discomfort in the lungs.

I am glad though. I could give all these fears and symptoms one by one to God. "Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me". God I give of my body aches, breathlessness, fears, anxious thoughts, hunger pangs, and every discomfort physical and emotional all to you. I will trust you, over and over again.

Random thoughts from a chemo-fried brain

‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

This was a word of reminder for me today after a refreshing time of worship. It's been some time since I last updated. I was told that I need to occasional wave here so that those who have been praying will also know if I am alright.

Much has happened since I last updated. On the medical front, there has been one or two dramas here and there. Found new growth, changed chemotherapy combo (its a bit like mixing cocktails here), new growth shrunk, the rest remained pretty similar, thus I'm continuing with the new drugs. Coughed blood in my sputum for a couple days, thank God it subsided after that. Had my 2nd round of the new chemo yesterday, knocked out for the night, woke up with a growling rumbling tummy, took a bite and slept in till 12. Janice stayed over my parent's so I could sleep uninterrupted, but the funny thing is that I sort of tiptoed round the house last night, forgot she was at my parent's, and this morning even woke up thinking I heard her singing in her room. My brain might be a little chemofried here, but Gosh, I miss her!

We also took a short trip to Phuket last week, in between the chemo cycles. It was a nice break, though we really didn't do much. It was still good time spent with the little family, plus my parents. I think part of me thought that going for a trip might give me some form of normality, but I as I pondered and prayed on the flight back, I realized it's never going to be NORMAL again. Initially I felt a sense of lost, like trying in search of my "old life", like eat like a normal person (depends on how you define normal here), basically living like this "cancer thing" has never happened. I was a little frustrated, and began to find it hard when my parents fussed over me, my diet, how I am. Conversations, blog entries sometimes do not deviate from the topic of this season. I wished I could fast forward and leave this behind.

The Word then spoke to me "Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in His body is done with sin. As a result, he does live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God" [1 Pet 4:1-2]

My life is never going to be NORMAL again, because the definition of normality should not be confined to the normalities of the world, but it is live in accordance to the call and purpose He has intended me to have. This season is meant to shape me and redefine me in accordance to His will, and it will only be worthwhile if I were to rise up to that instead of clinging on to the past and think (and wish) that all these were but a dream.

I live by the spirit and the power of the Lord each day. In this season, ever more so, because I know that my might and strength will not be enough, in fact futile. But my prayer is that this builds me some good spiritual muscles, that when I enter a new season, I am armed with so much more.

On the lighter note, here's us at Phuket. I can't believe how much my little girl has grown, and how much God has blessed me with these sweetie pies (the husband included)

Because of my bloody sputum, I had to go through a series of tests, thus the trip got delayed for 1/2 a day. We had to forgo out original jetstar tickets (waiting for them to be compassionate and refund with some travel vouchers) but we got to go on silkair! :) haven't had food, entertainment and kiddo freebies on our flights for a while :) we were v. happy haha!

Look at how thrilled she was with the sand and rushing waves

Believe it or not, it was pretty much pitch dark when this shot was taken (almost 7 in the evening) but the shots turned out with awesome lighting!

One of those days ...

It was one of those days when getting out of a negative thought cycle was such a struggle. I wanted to blog during one of those days, but I couldn't even get to my laptop. I suppose it was good, because I don't like to lament during those days, but prefer to write when I can see it, in some way of retrospect.

Those days were the days I felt weak, and nausea and vicious cycle of not seeing the light out of the tunnel, praying and struggling to focus beyond where I am and what my family could possibly be going through. It was real, those thoughts and struggles. As much as I am writing now, in some way retrospectively, I know I will still walk through such valleys, whether it is pertaining to the current situation or some other circumstances down the road. But I also know His love is unfailing, and with every bit of remaining sanity, I will cling on to that, and He catches me. And again, I felt it this afternoon, sitting in a huge lazy boy armchair doing my 3rd chemo. I felt nausea, restless, even resentful slightly when someone I did not know came by to want to pray and asked me if I had unforgiveness. I sat there and started speaking in tongues, and all I knew was, though what seemed like eternity (2.5-3hrs) sitting there, His grace somehow carried me through, as I listened to Chris Tomlin's I will rise. And now I am sitting here, a lot lighter hearted.

3 things I know I am struggling with during one of those days:

1. Beat myself up

You know I can beat myself up, spending some days really in tune and close to God. And there will be some days when complacence sets in. Then physically I will go through another hurdle and I can beat myself up again for not remaining close to God enough to walk through the hurdle with joy and gladness in my heart. But I really got to learn and I know that the holy spirit is reminding me time and again that really, nothing I can do can make Him love me less or more, but He has given me everything. Hey, I can have full confidence in His grace that is more than sufficient to carry me through everything. Including my horridest humanly sinful weaknesses. I just need to come to Him again and again. I am learning and breakthrough will come.

2. Legalism

On the another swing of the matter. I am not here to make ticks and checklists. Not how consistent I can do my quiet time. I can have full security to rest when I need to, and wake up with joy in my heart to enjoy and be captivated by Him. I am learning this. God, please remind me daily, my joy is in the salvation I am working on daily :) Legalism also coming in the form of fear of not doing what I think is good. Like eating a measured load of vegetables, organic produce or guilty to guts when stealing a bite of salty carrot cake, a mouth of cake etc. Will my condition improve or worsen? Oh no what have I just done? I've got to understand the choices I make that should come out of my intention of taking life responsibly as a good steward, not out of fear. My trust in healing is not upon how "obedient" I can be or how many right things I have done, who/what I have prayed for. But my trust in God and His sovereignty, goodness and faithfulness. My trust in Him, His character and nothing else.

3. Paranoia

Again very linked. What ifs? Will I need to go through life, paranoid at the food I am going to take, my daughter, my husband's, my loved ones health? My health? Pains, discomforts, coughs? All a sign of something? I think of how I am going to balance my thoughts. Worry worts seem to run in the family, and I want to break it, because I know it is one thing that steals me away from the my trust in God. A couple of weeks back, I had the privilege to write out a list of chinese verses for my mom all in the area of God's faithfulness and how we ought not to worry. I wrote in the note to my mom saying that each time she worries, she will be falling in the trap of the enemy, so each time she worries, she needs to meditate on these verses. I spoke that out of faith and proclamation also for myself. It will be a breakthrough of faith here. Far away from what has blinded us for years.

So now once again, I want to remain myself, and you, that the Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (you), and He who raised Christ from the dead will also give live to my (your) mortal body (bodies) through His spirit who lives in me (you). Roman 8:11

Let me tell you the story behind this verse (Sunita, I promised I will start documenting some of these things down:)

Two days before the condition was "confirmed" I was sitting at the waiting room before the last and "determining" scan. I remembered this very word that rung in my mind continuously. I remembered the day after I was diagnosed by the doctors about my condition, I wanted so much to know how much His word was relevant to me. Not just a general principle, but for me. It was funny, because I was sitting in my parent's living room, thinking as I looked out of the window. This truck, from nowhere drove past, and the word on the truck was "RHEMA". In red. I was like, God, you have a sense of humor here. The truck drove by, in slow speed. And at the back of the truck, just before it sped off said "You are in good hands". Funny right. It made me laughed so hard. That very evening, Pastor Jo came for a visit and said, I was meditating in the morning and this verse kept coming up and I felt it was really for you. Read Romans 8:11.

I am Dreaming

I am dreaming of crisp spring air, and lush green fields.

I am dreaming of the 3 of us on a road trip, no agenda.

I am dreaming of serving in a village, and smiles of little children as they sing songs of praise.

I am dreaming of running a 10km race, and having the lung capacity to wanna go on more.

I am dreaming of worshipping God in a praise and worship marathon, not needing to pause and cough.

I am dreaming of flying a kite with my 2 darlings, running wild.

I am dreaming of cooking a storm in a huge kitchen with an island top (did I also mention that i own that kitchen?)

I am dreaming of rolling and kneading cookie dough with my little woman and have flour all over our noses.

I am dreaming of making different concoctions of healthy meals, neatly frozen in little containers.

So today I asked of the Lord to breathe His Living spirit into me, dry bones made alive. Hope in abundance, never lacking in strength and zeal. To live a life in abundance, because He promised me so.

A note worthy post.

My parents have taught me a lot. In fact more than I ever imagined them to have done. It was a typical chinese family, where dad doesn't speak too much but when he does it usually weighs a ton. They were not extreme like a tiger mom, but the no nonsense rule applies. And whatever you've set your foot out to do, you jolly well complete it with your utmost ability.

Ever since I was sick, mom and dad have been hanging around me. The amount of time we've spent under one roof must have been more than we ever did in the past 20 years. They were both committed in their own ways, mom was committed (full on) to feed me the best nutrition ever, and dad, a side that I've not really experienced, was committed to be around. To drive mom around, wherever she needed and to drive us (my daughter inclusive) around, and to just sit around, being there physically. Their presence have been a source of comfort to me, and it seems almost neutral, because for them to be part of my life in such a way brings them some sort of reassurance too.

There's never been qualms of how they are my role models when it comes to many aspects of life. But what I never expected was how today, they have modeled to me the commitment towards God and His ways. It was a big step for them to put their faith in God after all these years, and today I was told, that the idols are removed. Just like that. "There's no half heartedness here, we don't want to be neither here nor there", dad says.

I slept through the whole afternoon when are these were happening, I woke up, half awake to this piece of news.

God deserves all the glory, because of His faithfulness, because He never let go of us, He has allowed all these. I am awed. I am proud of my parents too.