I miss juggling

I miss juggling. Not the cirques kind of juggling, but juggling life. Its strange that when life zooms you by, you want the peace and quiet, and just to be able to breathe. But sometimes I feel that I have breathed enough and its time to go, but to realize I don't know where. 

I miss being in control, over the meals of my family, our schedules and having a spreadsheet to manage my time and juggle between work, family and church. I want to be a supermom. Allowing the adrenalin to rush like crazy sometimes, only to find that I am running like a headless chicken.

I spent the past few weeks reading about the pride and downfall of kings in the Old testament. All who started off in awe and dependence on God but later went on their own ways, finding their own solutions in life and proud at their own achievements. I reflected on my own and noticed the blessedness of being stripped to total dependence, not knowing how life is going to pen out. It is 'oh so uncomfortable' and so liberating at the same time. I can't describe.

Still, I long for the day when my strength is back to 110%. The extra 10% comes because I am charged with new perspectives and empowerment, to know that my strength comes from the boast of the power from above. That I can juggle again, because He enables me. 

A Delight to be a Disciple

After I was D overdosed last week, a friend (was my j.c. teacher) dropped me a message reminding me of a couple of scriptures: Psalm 37:3-4 and John 11:1-43.

I sat on the word (not literally!) for a few days as I worked through a couple of struggles in my heart. I sensed the freedom to keep my life (and my thoughts) simple as I learn to walk with the Lord e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.

Desires - my desires are met by my Lord and I shall not be in want. He satisfy all my needs and knows of all my desires. 

Disciple - Above all my roles on earth, I am a disciple of Christ. Like Peter, and many others in the bible, I have flaws and weaknesses. But I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus. To believe and live out His word and put fulfilling His commission above my plans. To know that sometimes He takes time to mould me, He uses circumstances to shape me, all because He loves me.

Delight - In waiting, instead of seeing it as a Delay thus discouragement, I learn to delight. It teaches me to have a grateful heart. A bitter spirit eats up the joy, and crushes the spirit. I've seen how bitter I can get when I face struggles in parenting, in my marriage, and life in general. Thus I will learn to take Delight as His Disciple. Wouldn't you? If you know that you are a disciple to the great high priest, the wonderful counselor, and the great King over the heaven and earth. He who will freely give - Love, guidance, wisdom and power. 

My human mind can only comprehend how hard and impossible all the above is. But the gentle holy spirit will tell me, keep it simple because" surely I am with you, till the very end of age (Matthew 28:20, Jesus' last words)"

D overdosed.

It's been a while since I blogged. Its not that life has been that uneventful. But I am just unmotivated. I think being unmotivated to blog is just the surface, i am just unmotivated in general. So I pondered, prayed, D factors came to mind. 

Firstly this blog is Disorganized and I have been hoping that the categories are neater, and the hoping that to give the blog a face-lift. But as you can see, I am still hoping since no actions has been taken. The blog is just one area, there are many areas in my life that I am hoping to see improvements and the truth is that I need (and I want to) take responsibilities over them.

Then came the Discouragements. Ever since the last PET, things went a little downhill, health wise. I fell sick, then there was a bout of cough that lasted a couple weeks, then there was the fractured rib, and I felt easily tired and breathless all over again. All these just felt like a drag and in that few weeks, I really struggled in my devotions and even my bible reading program was on pause. 

So all in all led to a Disarray of priorities. Ever since the start of the year, I have been praying and asking God to direct us (especially for me). Plans, my focus, what's the next step, how I could meaningfully spend my time etc. Though there were the downtimes (health wise again), I feel well enough most days to want to do something. Not just pacing around thinking of where to have my lunch, but "do something" constructive. 

Therefore, I have been doing a lot more, took up projects at my (ex) workplace, serving in the worship ministry, re-conquering my kitchen, meal planning, attempted pilate, home learning plans for J, reorganizing J's room, attend a conference and many other items on the list. And so, I started feeling frustrated. I fell back to my usual bad habits again: Doing and not being able to differentiate what's important and what should be under the good to do, but not the priority list. Where is God leading me, have I stopped to ask? "Let go" there are just some things that are not important, I don't have to achieve them all. 

De clutter needs to take place. I am now back on track with my bible reading program. I am talking to God to figure out what's my call for this season. I am also trying not to focus on the uncertainties that I am incapable of figuring out the outcome (like my health). The husband has a silent retreat planned up for me (all by myself) so the only one I communicate to in that 2 days is God. I am learning to feel at ease to say no to projects (and no to myself). As I am typing all these, I am taking Deep breaths because the most important thing I need to learn is to relax my tense muscles and trust God for His full control. 

p.s. by the way, this post came totally un-planned. In the midst of silence on my blog over the past few weeks/months, there were many note worthy posts, most of them to point to me of God's faithfulness. So tonight, I thought I should give Him the due honor and to somehow blog them down as my "future reference". I needed to start somewhere and was going to write a post about an encounter I had last week. But I got intercepted by D thoughts above. So somehow, I Digressed real bad and will have to Defer my entry because I am now seriously sleepy after this long post. Ha :)

There, I am now overdosed with D :) 

~D end~

Updates: The journey continues

Looks like this leg of the journey is still ongoing. 4 PET scans, 7 Xrays, 6 CT scans, countless blood tests, 6 cycles of Chemo, 6 days of radiation and 3 months of oral drug treatment later, the journey hasn't ended. 8 months ago, I didn't know how long this journey would be and even wondered if that would be the final leg of my journey. 

So at this point, I am still not sure how long it is going to take. Reports from the PET scan and blood test done 2 days ago shows a good and not so good results. The main tumor in the lung (radiated on earlier) has reduced further, and the affected bones and lymph nodes seem to be gone :) The guys who did my PET even thought that these areas were radiated on therefore got better, but we did not. In fact, that was our litmus test to see if the oral drug is actually working and it seems that the drug is working, miraculously. But there're new growths in the same lung and an ovarian cyst which we are still unsure of their "toxicity". Blood test also reflected better readings for one marker and a rise for the other. So after many months, the oncologist continues to conclude me as her most challenging case. I'm still feeling fine physically, so we joked perhaps the problem lies in the machine! Even my dad started to doubt if I was really sick. 

I was a little disappointed though I am still convinced of God's hands upon my life. The God I know who's the almighty and omnipotent God remains true yesterday, today and tomorrow. After some tears last night, I am woke up this morning to be renewed by the promises of God. The 'pause' is not a total halt, I sense a time of preparation, sharpening of vision and building us towards it. 

Psalm 112

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]   Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands. ² His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. ³ Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. ⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. ⁵ Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. ⁶ Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. ⁷ He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. ⁸ His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. ⁹ He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever;his horn will be lifted high in honor.

 ¹⁰ The wicked man will see and be vexed, he will gnash his teeth and waste away; The longings of the wicked will come to nothing. 

Every breath that I take

One of my deepest fear is not being able to breathe. That explains the reason why I will never scuba dive (separate story altogether) and as much as I love sea-sports (I used to sail), I keep them to be "above the water" ie. No need to use oxygen tanks, no need to be submerged fully in water. Breathing with my mouth makes me feel like I am gasping for air. I almost drowned once and that must be the horriblest feeling. I used to run, so breathless is not the biggest issue, I think the problem comes with the combination of water+lack of air.

So with my affected lungs now, I fear, of being breathless and being drowned by I don't know what. Of all the various needles, scans and checks that I've been through, I detest the bronchoscopes, I think I could have injured the doctor if I wasn't half sedated by reacting to the stuff they flushed into my lungs. I was kicking and gasping and coughing. terrible.

Recent dramas of bloody coughs and phlegm really made me very paranoid. The cough has been up and down, antibiotics were given, sometimes there's this strange discomfort in the lungs.

I am glad though. I could give all these fears and symptoms one by one to God. "Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me". God I give of my body aches, breathlessness, fears, anxious thoughts, hunger pangs, and every discomfort physical and emotional all to you. I will trust you, over and over again.

Random thoughts from a chemo-fried brain

‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

This was a word of reminder for me today after a refreshing time of worship. It's been some time since I last updated. I was told that I need to occasional wave here so that those who have been praying will also know if I am alright.

Much has happened since I last updated. On the medical front, there has been one or two dramas here and there. Found new growth, changed chemotherapy combo (its a bit like mixing cocktails here), new growth shrunk, the rest remained pretty similar, thus I'm continuing with the new drugs. Coughed blood in my sputum for a couple days, thank God it subsided after that. Had my 2nd round of the new chemo yesterday, knocked out for the night, woke up with a growling rumbling tummy, took a bite and slept in till 12. Janice stayed over my parent's so I could sleep uninterrupted, but the funny thing is that I sort of tiptoed round the house last night, forgot she was at my parent's, and this morning even woke up thinking I heard her singing in her room. My brain might be a little chemofried here, but Gosh, I miss her!

We also took a short trip to Phuket last week, in between the chemo cycles. It was a nice break, though we really didn't do much. It was still good time spent with the little family, plus my parents. I think part of me thought that going for a trip might give me some form of normality, but I as I pondered and prayed on the flight back, I realized it's never going to be NORMAL again. Initially I felt a sense of lost, like trying in search of my "old life", like eat like a normal person (depends on how you define normal here), basically living like this "cancer thing" has never happened. I was a little frustrated, and began to find it hard when my parents fussed over me, my diet, how I am. Conversations, blog entries sometimes do not deviate from the topic of this season. I wished I could fast forward and leave this behind.

The Word then spoke to me "Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in His body is done with sin. As a result, he does live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God" [1 Pet 4:1-2]

My life is never going to be NORMAL again, because the definition of normality should not be confined to the normalities of the world, but it is live in accordance to the call and purpose He has intended me to have. This season is meant to shape me and redefine me in accordance to His will, and it will only be worthwhile if I were to rise up to that instead of clinging on to the past and think (and wish) that all these were but a dream.

I live by the spirit and the power of the Lord each day. In this season, ever more so, because I know that my might and strength will not be enough, in fact futile. But my prayer is that this builds me some good spiritual muscles, that when I enter a new season, I am armed with so much more.

On the lighter note, here's us at Phuket. I can't believe how much my little girl has grown, and how much God has blessed me with these sweetie pies (the husband included)

Because of my bloody sputum, I had to go through a series of tests, thus the trip got delayed for 1/2 a day. We had to forgo out original jetstar tickets (waiting for them to be compassionate and refund with some travel vouchers) but we got to go on silkair! :) haven't had food, entertainment and kiddo freebies on our flights for a while :) we were v. happy haha!

Look at how thrilled she was with the sand and rushing waves

Believe it or not, it was pretty much pitch dark when this shot was taken (almost 7 in the evening) but the shots turned out with awesome lighting!

One of those days ...

It was one of those days when getting out of a negative thought cycle was such a struggle. I wanted to blog during one of those days, but I couldn't even get to my laptop. I suppose it was good, because I don't like to lament during those days, but prefer to write when I can see it, in some way of retrospect.

Those days were the days I felt weak, and nausea and vicious cycle of not seeing the light out of the tunnel, praying and struggling to focus beyond where I am and what my family could possibly be going through. It was real, those thoughts and struggles. As much as I am writing now, in some way retrospectively, I know I will still walk through such valleys, whether it is pertaining to the current situation or some other circumstances down the road. But I also know His love is unfailing, and with every bit of remaining sanity, I will cling on to that, and He catches me. And again, I felt it this afternoon, sitting in a huge lazy boy armchair doing my 3rd chemo. I felt nausea, restless, even resentful slightly when someone I did not know came by to want to pray and asked me if I had unforgiveness. I sat there and started speaking in tongues, and all I knew was, though what seemed like eternity (2.5-3hrs) sitting there, His grace somehow carried me through, as I listened to Chris Tomlin's I will rise. And now I am sitting here, a lot lighter hearted.

3 things I know I am struggling with during one of those days:

1. Beat myself up

You know I can beat myself up, spending some days really in tune and close to God. And there will be some days when complacence sets in. Then physically I will go through another hurdle and I can beat myself up again for not remaining close to God enough to walk through the hurdle with joy and gladness in my heart. But I really got to learn and I know that the holy spirit is reminding me time and again that really, nothing I can do can make Him love me less or more, but He has given me everything. Hey, I can have full confidence in His grace that is more than sufficient to carry me through everything. Including my horridest humanly sinful weaknesses. I just need to come to Him again and again. I am learning and breakthrough will come.

2. Legalism

On the another swing of the matter. I am not here to make ticks and checklists. Not how consistent I can do my quiet time. I can have full security to rest when I need to, and wake up with joy in my heart to enjoy and be captivated by Him. I am learning this. God, please remind me daily, my joy is in the salvation I am working on daily :) Legalism also coming in the form of fear of not doing what I think is good. Like eating a measured load of vegetables, organic produce or guilty to guts when stealing a bite of salty carrot cake, a mouth of cake etc. Will my condition improve or worsen? Oh no what have I just done? I've got to understand the choices I make that should come out of my intention of taking life responsibly as a good steward, not out of fear. My trust in healing is not upon how "obedient" I can be or how many right things I have done, who/what I have prayed for. But my trust in God and His sovereignty, goodness and faithfulness. My trust in Him, His character and nothing else.

3. Paranoia

Again very linked. What ifs? Will I need to go through life, paranoid at the food I am going to take, my daughter, my husband's, my loved ones health? My health? Pains, discomforts, coughs? All a sign of something? I think of how I am going to balance my thoughts. Worry worts seem to run in the family, and I want to break it, because I know it is one thing that steals me away from the my trust in God. A couple of weeks back, I had the privilege to write out a list of chinese verses for my mom all in the area of God's faithfulness and how we ought not to worry. I wrote in the note to my mom saying that each time she worries, she will be falling in the trap of the enemy, so each time she worries, she needs to meditate on these verses. I spoke that out of faith and proclamation also for myself. It will be a breakthrough of faith here. Far away from what has blinded us for years.

So now once again, I want to remain myself, and you, that the Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (you), and He who raised Christ from the dead will also give live to my (your) mortal body (bodies) through His spirit who lives in me (you). Roman 8:11

Let me tell you the story behind this verse (Sunita, I promised I will start documenting some of these things down:)

Two days before the condition was "confirmed" I was sitting at the waiting room before the last and "determining" scan. I remembered this very word that rung in my mind continuously. I remembered the day after I was diagnosed by the doctors about my condition, I wanted so much to know how much His word was relevant to me. Not just a general principle, but for me. It was funny, because I was sitting in my parent's living room, thinking as I looked out of the window. This truck, from nowhere drove past, and the word on the truck was "RHEMA". In red. I was like, God, you have a sense of humor here. The truck drove by, in slow speed. And at the back of the truck, just before it sped off said "You are in good hands". Funny right. It made me laughed so hard. That very evening, Pastor Jo came for a visit and said, I was meditating in the morning and this verse kept coming up and I felt it was really for you. Read Romans 8:11.

I am Dreaming

I am dreaming of crisp spring air, and lush green fields.

I am dreaming of the 3 of us on a road trip, no agenda.

I am dreaming of serving in a village, and smiles of little children as they sing songs of praise.

I am dreaming of running a 10km race, and having the lung capacity to wanna go on more.

I am dreaming of worshipping God in a praise and worship marathon, not needing to pause and cough.

I am dreaming of flying a kite with my 2 darlings, running wild.

I am dreaming of cooking a storm in a huge kitchen with an island top (did I also mention that i own that kitchen?)

I am dreaming of rolling and kneading cookie dough with my little woman and have flour all over our noses.

I am dreaming of making different concoctions of healthy meals, neatly frozen in little containers.

So today I asked of the Lord to breathe His Living spirit into me, dry bones made alive. Hope in abundance, never lacking in strength and zeal. To live a life in abundance, because He promised me so.

The night lingers...

The chemo drugs made me really dazed out for the entire day. I spent the day coming in and out of deep sleep. I couldn't spend as much time with Janice as I would have wanted to. She went to school in the morning and went off to spend some time with Gugu and the grandparents. She came home and I was at the healing service. Oh I so miss her and couldn't wait to get and give some cuddles. I was worried that she would be clingy and whiney when she sees me after a long day, but I came home to be greeted by this little girl who was grinning from ear to ear, ready to throw her arms round me.

"Mummy, you went to the healing service?"

"Mummy, can I pray for you?"

She went on to narrate details of her evening, telling me where she went, what she ate, what she did.

She wanted to follow us out of her room though it was way past her bedtime. I was more than happy for her to do so.

"Mummy, you can't carry me because you're still sick? Daddy, you're not sick, so you can carry me"

Off she went, piggy backing on daddy, while I followed behind.

Both sets of grandparents were there, Gugu was there, and she was in her own zone. Carrying out her conversations, some random, some incredibly thoughtful.

I allowed the night to linger on though it was way past the bedtime, and I could barely stand without feeling faintish.

There were lots of random requests that followed before the eventual "bedtime".

"I need to comb my hair, muumy. Its messy, I can't sleep if its messy"

" I need 5 songs, alphabets songs, froggy songs, ... "

She prayed again for me, and my cough, insistent I bow my head to the prayer, and repeated the prayer once she heard me cough just a little.

We bid each other goodnight, shouting sweet dreams and I love yous as we exit the room.

It was a nice night that lingered on just a little. It doesn't matter that teachers "complained" (very nicely) that Janice reaches school way too late" (She needs her 12 hr sleep, thus she wakes up at 10 and reaches school at 11, much to the "protest" of the teachers *grin)

When the lights are dimmed and the husband and I snuggled into bed eventually, we were still happily recounting every happy little thing that Janice said, and her funny and cute demeanor.

I sat in the dark, smiling a happy smile, thanking God for this lingering night. I can't believe how blessed I am.

Thoughts on a Sunday Night

My life, or our lives (as a family) took a totally unexpected turn about 1.5 months back. What we thought was a common cough and backache I had for the past couple of months turned out to be a stage 4 lung cancer. The weeks leading up to the diagnosis on the 30th June 2011, was a whirlwind of tests, and scans. It was the scariest time of my life, almost like walking through dark tunnels that brought us deeper and further away.

As the scans and tests began to reveal almost my entire insides, in search for cancer cells, I know that God too was doing a major surgical work in me and many of those who were standing by me, especially my family and some close friends. We really struggled to figure what was going on, I would wake up in the middle of night with pangs of fear that made me feel too sick to move. But somehow, God just never failed to speak and gave us peace that we could not explain. I remembered when the tests were still going on and when we first got the hint from the specialists that it was cancer, we sat at the hospital bench. I closed my eyes and the first thing I remembered asking of God was joy. When that came out, my carnal nature questioned, joy? What was I thinking? But little did I know that that was the very note

that held us together since the journey started.

Fast track 1.5 months later, 1 cycle of chemo into the treatment, with 1 more on the way in less than 24hrs time; there's been so much to thank God for. The list is too long to recount here. To name a few: My parents accepted Christ and has been hungry to learn about Christ since then. I am blessed with tremendous support from family and friends. As I stood in worship this morning, I recounted the series of events, though felt like a deep valley, has only affirmed a truth of God's unconditional love for me. Not just for those around me, but for me. The truth that seemed to have found its place in my mind and my heart. It was clear and doubtless. It kept ringing over and over again in my heart today, you know just like how a toddler first learnt their steps, they would keep trying and walk over and over again as if it was a strange new feeling that they've found their legs.

Besides all these, its amazing to see how Janice has grown over the weeks. I can't believe how much she has grown in the vocabulary in prayers. Tonight before the reading of bedtime stories, she turned to the dad and said, "we must pray for mummy first, ok." Without any prompting she prayed a simple prayer, "Dear Jesus, please heal mummy and protect mummy, in Jesus name, Amen. Now mummy, you can start to read now!" Before I left the room, she wanted to pray for me again.

I had to release some of my thoughts here today, it's been an incredible journey, very scary, I've never felt that uncertain in life, I've never had so much time to read the bible, pray and worship, and experience Him so closely either. I've never had so much support and prayers garnered up for me.

Okay this post ended to be longer than planned. So good night, I should now get some rest for Chemo attack number 2 tomorrow.

Under the weather

The little girl and I have been a little under the weather lately. She started having runny nose and last night conjunctivitis. Thank God we managed to find a PD available on Sunday and she's doing well, taking her long afternoon nap now. Considering that we felt like we were going to have a "bleak" sunday ahead when she refused to sleep because of her eye and all 3 of us were watching Hi-5 at 1.30am in the morning. She is back to this cheerful little lark and we are both very thankful about.

I have been having this chronic cough and a bad back. Terrible because it felt like it didn't warrant anymore sick days home but I cannot make proper conversations with anyone without coughing fits. And the bad back is just a pain. I've been on TCM after 3 courses of western meds, and none seems to be helping. Perhaps it's the rest I need.

The point of my entry is to remember this moment, of peace and quietness. Kel is off to Church, while the little girl is taking a nap. I've mopped the floor and cooked the dinner. I have a thousand one things I want to do, catch up on my work, perhaps do some painting, or sewing .... but instead I chose to slump on the amazing couch, with the air con on. I savor this quiet moment in prayer and I know, I can do with such moments more often.

How can I keep from Singing

I've been struck by a series of events and crossroads over the past weeks. As decisions were made and things began to unfold, my heart began to be more at peace. Not that things got easier, I was in fact being confronted with truths about my life that requires change. Change in my attitudes and adjustments in my life. I need lots of help from the Holy Spirit and I was reminded of this song today. Through the day, different parts of the lyrics seem to echo and speak right into heart. So after work today, I swung by Trumpet Praise and made my (very rare) CD purchase. I came back and told the husband about the song, and funny thing was that he has been singing the same song too. God has been working this way quite often with us, affirming us with same lyrics, something very comforting to me and reminding me just how real he is. So the song is right, how can I keep from Singing when I know I stand on this rock?

How can I keep from Singing

There is this endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

Chorus:

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing you'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to you in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

A Mental Note to Self on TODAY

TODAY, I peered over my shoulders

And saw how envy eats my security away

TODAY,, I found the liberation

When I claim the unique plan God has coming my way

TODAY,, I realized the power of praise

Allows the Holy Spirit to have much of His Say

TODAY,, I chose to look ahead

By focusing my moment in Him everyday

Seasons of Life

I stumbled upon this article today. A question I have been prompted to pray through is: What season am I in?

I do not know the answer yet, because the truth is I have been too busy lately and have been more like a Mary than Martha. I know that and I am slowing down for the next 2 months. I am excited to seek the Lord and hopefully 2011 will be propelled by the knowledge of His plans for the season, at least glimpse! Pray with me if you could.

For the Young Mother: Ministry, Guilt, and Seasons of Life

By Jani Ortlund

Guilt is a young mother’s habitual shadow. It has a nasty way of soaking through many of her efforts at nurturing, serving and loving others. “Am I doing enough for my children? For others? What do they think of me? What does God think of me?”

As a young mother everyone wants something from you—your family, your church, your boss, your neighbor. And most likely, you give way more than you ever thought you could. But along the way guilt nibbles at your soul, eating away your inner peace and joy. And it often lingers through the years, even after your children are grown and gone.

Dear young mother, don’t waste your guilt!

DON’T WASTE YOUR GUILT

Don’t waste your guilt, but instead listen to it and evaluate it. Take it out of the shadows and examine it in the light of Scripture. Lay out your feelings before Christ. Is this guilt legitimate conviction of sin? Then confess your sin, receive his forgiveness and ask him where and how he wants you to change.

But maybe your guilt is a nagging, self-focused fear that if you were just a bit better or worked just a little harder, then you would be noticed and admired enough to feel okay about yourself. That is false guilt, rooted in pride. It will hurt your family and hinder your relationship with your grace-giving Father. If this describes your guilt, then remind yourself that through Christ’s death and resurrection, you’re accepted by God. The solution to false guilt, as to true guilt, is the gospel.

Paul speaks of these two kinds of guilt in 2 Corinthians 7:10. There is a godly grief that produces repentance, and a worldly grief that produces death. Ask yourself this question: is what I give my time and energies to driven by life-giving repentance or life-depleting pride?

A YOUNG MOTHER’S PRIMARY MISSION FIELD

One reason a young mother can feel wrongly guilty is that she forgets that her first and primary mission field must be her children.

God values children. He places great importance on our teaching our children to love and serve him (Deut. 6:7-9). Jesus became indignant when the disciples didn’t value the worth of children in God’s expanding kingdom (Mark 10:13-16). And God tells us that children are his blessing to us (Psalm 127:3).

Mothering calls for the best in us as women. As mothers, we shape the souls of our children and ultimately influence the world. Children are our gift to the future. So accept your calling from God to serve your family. It is not godly guilt that would call you away from a wholehearted investment in your little ones for his sake. Don’t feel guilty over making your children your primary ministry investment when they are young. You are teaching the younger generation to form intimate emotional bonds with others. Your sensitivity, availability, devotion, affection, and unhurried attention are irreplaceable.

MOTHERING: PLAIN HARD WORK

On the other hand, Paul’s word to me as an older woman is to “train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (Tit. 2:4-5).

Why does the apostle have to tell us older women to teach these things to the younger women? Because it can be hard to love your husband and children. In fact, it can be easier to minister outside the home. Why is it more rewarding for us to plan a ladies’ retreat for two hundred women than it is to plan an indoor picnic with our preschoolers on a rainy afternoon? I think it’s because the rewards are more immediate and the demands are not so steady.

Being a young mother is plain hard work. At times it feels like slave labor! Young moms can identify with the cartoon of a toddler looking at a wedding album with his daddy and saying, “So that’s the day Mommy came to work for us!”

But God has called you to this ministry. He knows there are no neutral moments in a young child’s life, whose experience is one of continuous need and development. Your children will bear the imprint of your mothering throughout their lives because much of human behavior springs from imitation.

You are the only mother your children have. Your ministry to them is the deepest expression of your love for them. Raising your children has to be done right the first time around. It is one of the few places in life where you can not say, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

You have received this commission from God. As a mother your privilege is to teach them how to respect their daddy and be kind to their siblings, how to choose good nutrition and wholesome entertainment, why they should value courtesy and orderliness, and which causes are worthy of their efforts, their reputations, and even their very blood.

Are you discouraged as you spend day after day immersed in the mundane tasks of mothering? Then think of the honor of guiding the spiritual and intellectual and social development of young minds and hearts. Think of the thrill of teaching them eternal truths from God’s Word. Think of the importance of teaching your young children how to live under authority, and of preparing them for future relationships by teaching them about love and trust. Think of the delight of sending one more godly, vibrant, strong, secure, loving young person into this needy world with the courage to live well for Christ’s sake. What a worthy investment!

WHAT YOUNG MOTHERS NEED: A HEART FOR THE HOME

Another challenge for a young mother is cultivating a love for the home.

God has called us to love our children from home base (Tit. 2:4-5). We can’t improve upon God’s design! This means more than staying at home. It means fixing your heart on your home. Women can leave their homes through more avenues than work or outside ministry. Cell phones, emails, and chat rooms can take a mother away from her primary ministry, too.

Ministry means being “all there.” It means rejoicing that you get to show your children how to peddle a tricycle, make their bed, build good memories, and share their toys with others. You serve your family, and ultimately your heavenly Father, by helping your child do that puzzle for the seventeenth time, by washing those sticky fingers, by planting a little garden, by acting out Bible stories and praying together, and by preparing for their daddy’s return as the highlight of your day!

What is the alternative? “A child left to himself disgraces his mother” (Prov. 29:15).

Remember this: you have the privilege of passing on to young hearts a sense of God! Should you feel guilty for that? As you let your children experience intimacy, nearness, and availability in their earliest years with you, you can point them to find those soul-necessities in Christ, their Savior, as they mature. And then you have the delight of sending them out with a light in their souls to bless this darkened world.

Someone is going to be influencing your children, inculcating values and imprinting standards on their impressionable young minds. Let it be you!

THIS SEASON IS JUST A SEASON

Does this mean you will never invest in others outside your family? Goodness, no. But if you are a young mother, use your primary ministry of mothering to guide your choices about where to serve Christ now. Don’t let anything woo you away from your unique role as a wife and mother.

This season in your life is just that—a season. And each season is a divine calling from our Creator and King. Organizing a new church event is important. Teaching your little boy to be kind to his sister is also important. But which one can best be done by you during this season? Serve God well by ministering to your children first. Very soon they will be grown and gone and all those uniquely teachable moments will be gone. And you will have ample opportunity to serve Christ outside your home in the seasons ahead.

“But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7).

Jani Ortlund is a former schoolteacher and holds a master’s degree in education. She is the author two books, Fearlessly Feminineand His Loving Law, Our Lasting Legacy. Jani is the wife of Dr. Raymond Ortlund, Jr.

July/August 2010
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On the point Obedience

There are many items on our list that we are deliberating with God. We know that moving back to Singapore was only the start of many things to come. Kel and I are made very differently. He will be the one to suggest a move, a change, something new, something to explore. I will be the "what about this, what about that? Have we considered this etc" With my minute vision and brain space, I take a while to comprehend what God can do or is doing. I often see from my perspective, weigh the opportunity cost, I do mental calculations, I relent and classified some decisions under the "tough choices" category.

Today God spoke to me through this passage of 1 Sam 15:22

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" 1 Sam 15:22

So a note to self: It is not about how much I can give or let go. It is about the careful listening of His voice and obey with my entire being.
This makes perfect sense to me and I look forward to see how HIS plans intertwines in a perfect way. I don't have to get the picture all the time.

Full Time

Since the birth of Janice, I have gotten many people asking if I was a full time mom. Regardless the number of days Janice goes to Childcare, or for that matter 10,20 years down the road when she starts getting her own life, I will always consider myself as a full time mom. The day I knew she's conceived, follow on the day she was born, God has placed upon my life one of the greatest responsiblity a person can have. A responsibility over a life, a person, a precious one. The intensity of what you could be doing as a mom could vary over years or season, the role remains. I am a mother, 24/7 round the clock. No one can ever imagine the magnitude of it till you step into it. I could never have emphatised with another parent no matter how often I baby sit another child. I've learnt to assume this role and accept that my life will no longer be the same. I start to realise why till this day my mom still ask what I ate for dinner and ask me to see a doctor when I clear my throat. It's a full time job and I've only just begun. Sometimes I think I've done a bad job, but I'll have a life time to learn and I will. (but will never be perfection). Being a mother reveals that I am weak and how HE is strong. It's really humbling, but I am really loving it.

Plans to get Janice to be playing soccer by 2yrs old

Just watched a 2yr old toddler dribble and shoot with a soccer ball! How cool is that! My little dream within me that is hoping that my kids will love the game as well.

I figured that the secret of getting your kids doing the things you want them to is to allow them to watch repeated actions of it. For example, if you want them playing an instrument, let them watch DVDs of people playing the instrument. If its soccer, let them watch close up people playing soccer. I believe that by watching, them are registering the actions and when they are finally up to it, they'll be on their way to play that instrument or sport like a star!

I would be setting aside a Help Janice play soccer and guitar fund, which I would use to buy instructional DVDs! If anyone is interested, please let me know and I'll engrave your names on the DVDs that I'll buy for her, so that when she is famous and getting her awards, she'll remember to thank you all.

Being down to earth, I'll still love her even if she chooses Barbie dolls or cooking utensils in the kitchen. There is a place for everyone to shine where ever they are, just praying that her spirit of excellence would reflect God's honour and grace!

My Plans vs God's Plans

Isn't it always a struggle when it comes down to that point in life where you are left asking yourself "Is this God's plans for me or am I trying to force my own life's tracks out?" Having blown out candles on a birthday cake at least 28 times, (considering the fact that when I was 1 year old, my parents would have blown the candles for me.) I had to ask myself and God this question.

The times when I wanted to come overseas to Australia to study, was that part of God's plans for me? When I wanted to stay on in Australia to further my studies, was that part of God's plans for me? When I wanted to get attached, get engaged, get married, planned to have Janice, get a job and rise up in leadership. Were all these part of God's divine plans for me?

After making all those decisions, it seems obvious that God does have a wonderful plan for me; for that matter, for each and everyone of us. But in His loving nature, God did not force His plans upon my life, but gently speaks and encourages me to walk in His ways.

No doubt, there have been wrong choices I have made in life, many in fact. But still in God's grace, He has provided some sparing allowances for those human errors and carnal desires. Little bit at a time, God is using both the right and wrong choices to lead me towards His ultimate plan for my life. I can't wait to find out what that plan is, but I know for sure that God has set alight a flame and desire within me to burn for Him as much as I can. He has also laid a strong burden within to reach the youths to mould and train them into the leaders of the next generation. Whether they are the youths of this Aussie nation or even the youths back in Homeland Singapore, I am not sure. But where I am now, I must make full use of the opportunities that God has given.

As God speaks more along the way, may God grant me the courage, confidence and perseverance to follow His plans no matter where I am. May God's plans be my plans as well, may my heartbeat, beat God's heartbeat.

Kelvin coming out of the closet to blog

Been wanting to do this for a really long time, but just never really got down to doing it. I thought that since my wife was updating our lives, I'll just leave her to that cause she has done such a great job.
But it will not be the same if I did some bits of the blogging myself too. Like tell my wife how much I love and cherish her, and also to personally record down on cyberspace for Janice to remember that her dad loves and is crazy over her too. At the same time, family and friends back home of everywhere else in the world can catch up too. And being on facebook really helps too.
Putting things down here can really help me to remember the great and wonderful things God has blessed our family with as well. So may the blogging begin........

Thoughts of the last lap

10 weeks to go ....

I have just spent the morning replying and sending out emails. I have flagged so many items on my inbox so that i will remember to look at them that i started i have overlooked so many other emails as well. This is what happens when you've just been through sick leave and public holidays. The throat is still hurting like crazy and coughing at night for a big pregnant belly means aching rib cage and totally disturbed sleep. A great training for sure.

Though a great weekend from the getaway, this week has been a whirlwind with the sickness and finding out a not too good blood test result which I will have to head in for further tests. Please pray for us that everything will turn out fine, especially for the little one! But all this jolted to me the need to be more watchful and disciplined in both my diet and exercise. Past 2 months have just been eating out/taking away alot. My used to be cooking almost everyday after work have been rather slackened to probably cooking once a week and having dinners out most of the time. Even if i cook, it's been just a "get-by" mentality and i think taste of food cooked have been just bleugh ... Swollen feet is an indication of lack of proper structured exercise time and rest. A note to self is to cook more (simple and healthy food) and squeeze in some structured exercise regime. I need the same kind of motivation as I would need to develop spiritual disciplines!

The last lap now, I am almost entering into my 30th Week pregnancy. The well-being of the little one almost is determined by me, my diet, my lifestyle (its been so right from the start). The responsibility that suddenly weighed so much. I felt so overwhelmed and the guilt of not 'trying my best' was so overwhelming as well. When I heard about the blood test, i wished i could have rewound the clock back some weeks rather be those extra cautious mom to be, watching the diet, exercising, rest etc. Thank God that He is still putting me back to His perspective. I got to learn to lean on Him more and not blow things out of proportion. Thank God too for a supportive husband who is unceasingly encouraging me despite His own worries too. He revealed yesterday that this whole pregnancy has been quite frightening and a learning curve for him too by taking up the support role. I can imagine how helpless he must have felt when I am in my panic modes or when I was just throwing up everything I took.

HIS Grace is more than sufficient for US. It is such grace where I can know that in OUR weakness, WE can say we're strong.