One of those days ...

It was one of those days when getting out of a negative thought cycle was such a struggle. I wanted to blog during one of those days, but I couldn't even get to my laptop. I suppose it was good, because I don't like to lament during those days, but prefer to write when I can see it, in some way of retrospect.

Those days were the days I felt weak, and nausea and vicious cycle of not seeing the light out of the tunnel, praying and struggling to focus beyond where I am and what my family could possibly be going through. It was real, those thoughts and struggles. As much as I am writing now, in some way retrospectively, I know I will still walk through such valleys, whether it is pertaining to the current situation or some other circumstances down the road. But I also know His love is unfailing, and with every bit of remaining sanity, I will cling on to that, and He catches me. And again, I felt it this afternoon, sitting in a huge lazy boy armchair doing my 3rd chemo. I felt nausea, restless, even resentful slightly when someone I did not know came by to want to pray and asked me if I had unforgiveness. I sat there and started speaking in tongues, and all I knew was, though what seemed like eternity (2.5-3hrs) sitting there, His grace somehow carried me through, as I listened to Chris Tomlin's I will rise. And now I am sitting here, a lot lighter hearted.

3 things I know I am struggling with during one of those days:

1. Beat myself up

You know I can beat myself up, spending some days really in tune and close to God. And there will be some days when complacence sets in. Then physically I will go through another hurdle and I can beat myself up again for not remaining close to God enough to walk through the hurdle with joy and gladness in my heart. But I really got to learn and I know that the holy spirit is reminding me time and again that really, nothing I can do can make Him love me less or more, but He has given me everything. Hey, I can have full confidence in His grace that is more than sufficient to carry me through everything. Including my horridest humanly sinful weaknesses. I just need to come to Him again and again. I am learning and breakthrough will come.

2. Legalism

On the another swing of the matter. I am not here to make ticks and checklists. Not how consistent I can do my quiet time. I can have full security to rest when I need to, and wake up with joy in my heart to enjoy and be captivated by Him. I am learning this. God, please remind me daily, my joy is in the salvation I am working on daily :) Legalism also coming in the form of fear of not doing what I think is good. Like eating a measured load of vegetables, organic produce or guilty to guts when stealing a bite of salty carrot cake, a mouth of cake etc. Will my condition improve or worsen? Oh no what have I just done? I've got to understand the choices I make that should come out of my intention of taking life responsibly as a good steward, not out of fear. My trust in healing is not upon how "obedient" I can be or how many right things I have done, who/what I have prayed for. But my trust in God and His sovereignty, goodness and faithfulness. My trust in Him, His character and nothing else.

3. Paranoia

Again very linked. What ifs? Will I need to go through life, paranoid at the food I am going to take, my daughter, my husband's, my loved ones health? My health? Pains, discomforts, coughs? All a sign of something? I think of how I am going to balance my thoughts. Worry worts seem to run in the family, and I want to break it, because I know it is one thing that steals me away from the my trust in God. A couple of weeks back, I had the privilege to write out a list of chinese verses for my mom all in the area of God's faithfulness and how we ought not to worry. I wrote in the note to my mom saying that each time she worries, she will be falling in the trap of the enemy, so each time she worries, she needs to meditate on these verses. I spoke that out of faith and proclamation also for myself. It will be a breakthrough of faith here. Far away from what has blinded us for years.

So now once again, I want to remain myself, and you, that the Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (you), and He who raised Christ from the dead will also give live to my (your) mortal body (bodies) through His spirit who lives in me (you). Roman 8:11

Let me tell you the story behind this verse (Sunita, I promised I will start documenting some of these things down:)

Two days before the condition was "confirmed" I was sitting at the waiting room before the last and "determining" scan. I remembered this very word that rung in my mind continuously. I remembered the day after I was diagnosed by the doctors about my condition, I wanted so much to know how much His word was relevant to me. Not just a general principle, but for me. It was funny, because I was sitting in my parent's living room, thinking as I looked out of the window. This truck, from nowhere drove past, and the word on the truck was "RHEMA". In red. I was like, God, you have a sense of humor here. The truck drove by, in slow speed. And at the back of the truck, just before it sped off said "You are in good hands". Funny right. It made me laughed so hard. That very evening, Pastor Jo came for a visit and said, I was meditating in the morning and this verse kept coming up and I felt it was really for you. Read Romans 8:11.

I am Dreaming

I am dreaming of crisp spring air, and lush green fields.

I am dreaming of the 3 of us on a road trip, no agenda.

I am dreaming of serving in a village, and smiles of little children as they sing songs of praise.

I am dreaming of running a 10km race, and having the lung capacity to wanna go on more.

I am dreaming of worshipping God in a praise and worship marathon, not needing to pause and cough.

I am dreaming of flying a kite with my 2 darlings, running wild.

I am dreaming of cooking a storm in a huge kitchen with an island top (did I also mention that i own that kitchen?)

I am dreaming of rolling and kneading cookie dough with my little woman and have flour all over our noses.

I am dreaming of making different concoctions of healthy meals, neatly frozen in little containers.

So today I asked of the Lord to breathe His Living spirit into me, dry bones made alive. Hope in abundance, never lacking in strength and zeal. To live a life in abundance, because He promised me so.

A note worthy post.

My parents have taught me a lot. In fact more than I ever imagined them to have done. It was a typical chinese family, where dad doesn't speak too much but when he does it usually weighs a ton. They were not extreme like a tiger mom, but the no nonsense rule applies. And whatever you've set your foot out to do, you jolly well complete it with your utmost ability.

Ever since I was sick, mom and dad have been hanging around me. The amount of time we've spent under one roof must have been more than we ever did in the past 20 years. They were both committed in their own ways, mom was committed (full on) to feed me the best nutrition ever, and dad, a side that I've not really experienced, was committed to be around. To drive mom around, wherever she needed and to drive us (my daughter inclusive) around, and to just sit around, being there physically. Their presence have been a source of comfort to me, and it seems almost neutral, because for them to be part of my life in such a way brings them some sort of reassurance too.

There's never been qualms of how they are my role models when it comes to many aspects of life. But what I never expected was how today, they have modeled to me the commitment towards God and His ways. It was a big step for them to put their faith in God after all these years, and today I was told, that the idols are removed. Just like that. "There's no half heartedness here, we don't want to be neither here nor there", dad says.

I slept through the whole afternoon when are these were happening, I woke up, half awake to this piece of news.

God deserves all the glory, because of His faithfulness, because He never let go of us, He has allowed all these. I am awed. I am proud of my parents too.

The night lingers...

The chemo drugs made me really dazed out for the entire day. I spent the day coming in and out of deep sleep. I couldn't spend as much time with Janice as I would have wanted to. She went to school in the morning and went off to spend some time with Gugu and the grandparents. She came home and I was at the healing service. Oh I so miss her and couldn't wait to get and give some cuddles. I was worried that she would be clingy and whiney when she sees me after a long day, but I came home to be greeted by this little girl who was grinning from ear to ear, ready to throw her arms round me.

"Mummy, you went to the healing service?"

"Mummy, can I pray for you?"

She went on to narrate details of her evening, telling me where she went, what she ate, what she did.

She wanted to follow us out of her room though it was way past her bedtime. I was more than happy for her to do so.

"Mummy, you can't carry me because you're still sick? Daddy, you're not sick, so you can carry me"

Off she went, piggy backing on daddy, while I followed behind.

Both sets of grandparents were there, Gugu was there, and she was in her own zone. Carrying out her conversations, some random, some incredibly thoughtful.

I allowed the night to linger on though it was way past the bedtime, and I could barely stand without feeling faintish.

There were lots of random requests that followed before the eventual "bedtime".

"I need to comb my hair, muumy. Its messy, I can't sleep if its messy"

" I need 5 songs, alphabets songs, froggy songs, ... "

She prayed again for me, and my cough, insistent I bow my head to the prayer, and repeated the prayer once she heard me cough just a little.

We bid each other goodnight, shouting sweet dreams and I love yous as we exit the room.

It was a nice night that lingered on just a little. It doesn't matter that teachers "complained" (very nicely) that Janice reaches school way too late" (She needs her 12 hr sleep, thus she wakes up at 10 and reaches school at 11, much to the "protest" of the teachers *grin)

When the lights are dimmed and the husband and I snuggled into bed eventually, we were still happily recounting every happy little thing that Janice said, and her funny and cute demeanor.

I sat in the dark, smiling a happy smile, thanking God for this lingering night. I can't believe how blessed I am.

Thoughts on a Sunday Night

My life, or our lives (as a family) took a totally unexpected turn about 1.5 months back. What we thought was a common cough and backache I had for the past couple of months turned out to be a stage 4 lung cancer. The weeks leading up to the diagnosis on the 30th June 2011, was a whirlwind of tests, and scans. It was the scariest time of my life, almost like walking through dark tunnels that brought us deeper and further away.

As the scans and tests began to reveal almost my entire insides, in search for cancer cells, I know that God too was doing a major surgical work in me and many of those who were standing by me, especially my family and some close friends. We really struggled to figure what was going on, I would wake up in the middle of night with pangs of fear that made me feel too sick to move. But somehow, God just never failed to speak and gave us peace that we could not explain. I remembered when the tests were still going on and when we first got the hint from the specialists that it was cancer, we sat at the hospital bench. I closed my eyes and the first thing I remembered asking of God was joy. When that came out, my carnal nature questioned, joy? What was I thinking? But little did I know that that was the very note

that held us together since the journey started.

Fast track 1.5 months later, 1 cycle of chemo into the treatment, with 1 more on the way in less than 24hrs time; there's been so much to thank God for. The list is too long to recount here. To name a few: My parents accepted Christ and has been hungry to learn about Christ since then. I am blessed with tremendous support from family and friends. As I stood in worship this morning, I recounted the series of events, though felt like a deep valley, has only affirmed a truth of God's unconditional love for me. Not just for those around me, but for me. The truth that seemed to have found its place in my mind and my heart. It was clear and doubtless. It kept ringing over and over again in my heart today, you know just like how a toddler first learnt their steps, they would keep trying and walk over and over again as if it was a strange new feeling that they've found their legs.

Besides all these, its amazing to see how Janice has grown over the weeks. I can't believe how much she has grown in the vocabulary in prayers. Tonight before the reading of bedtime stories, she turned to the dad and said, "we must pray for mummy first, ok." Without any prompting she prayed a simple prayer, "Dear Jesus, please heal mummy and protect mummy, in Jesus name, Amen. Now mummy, you can start to read now!" Before I left the room, she wanted to pray for me again.

I had to release some of my thoughts here today, it's been an incredible journey, very scary, I've never felt that uncertain in life, I've never had so much time to read the bible, pray and worship, and experience Him so closely either. I've never had so much support and prayers garnered up for me.

Okay this post ended to be longer than planned. So good night, I should now get some rest for Chemo attack number 2 tomorrow.

Parenting Tools 101

Parenting is fun, very rewarding but also very challenging. One aspect of parenting I think is very important is BOUNDARIES. There is nothing easy about boundaries, how much is too much, too much, too stifling? How to draw effective boundaries but yet giving room for the child to explore, learn and satisfy their bottomless curiosity?

In our world where time is often bounded with agendas and schedules, its difficult. Because for those who has kids would agree with me, that time frames is almost non-existent to a toddler. They can almost never understand the concept of "hurry" because you have a meeting to attend and need to get them out of the house in "x" minutes. Or when they choose to indulge themselves in an activity they enjoy, "enough" doesn't exist in their dictionary. I am sure God feels this way when He tries to make us understand His concept of eternity.

I must also say that ever since I've fallen sick (another entry needed for this), I've got many perspective shifts, of what's important and what's not. My lifestyle now has also come to a halt and has since slowed down. It's nice because I've not needed to rush Janice out of the house in morning because we are all late for work/class etc. And I've not needed to get her into bed earlier because she doesn't need to wake up early like before (though my dad thinks her childcare should now give us 20% discount since she will only reach her class close to noon). Such lifestyle suits a toddler perfect.

Back to boundaries (I digressed): Regardless, boundaries are still required. One tool that has worked really well for us is the use of timer. Now, I've also got a girl who's a stickler at rules and stuffs, so timer works perfect.

We introduce the timer sometime back and has helped us in many occasions: Timer for TV time, X minutes to go before bedtime, I phone/I pad usage, X minutes before a bath/loo is needed, length of time she's going to spend in the bath, paint, play, how long more to go before she keeps her toys. I think the secret for making it work is giving Janice the option of number of minutes, for example, 2 minutes or 5 minutes? etc. She decides and she sets the timer, when it rings, she turns off herself and move on to the next required activity. Because she was the one who decides on the time, she has less issues in following it. There will be times when she negotiates for more, and that's when we will then discuss. Of recent, the timer even works for melt downs. One of those tantrums that used to give us a big headache is when she starts to yell what she doesn't want but have no idea what she wants. She will continue by yelling she wants mummy when I am sitting right before her, and it can sometimes go for quite a long while. We started asking her recently how long she needs to cry and yell for, since we know that such outlets are essential for them to release some steam sometimes. She will usually say something like 1 or 2 minutes, she will funnily then set her own timer and when it rings, she will stop crying. Funny, and very cute.

I guess it also helps that they don't count till big numbers yet, so 10mins is often the max. the timer's been set for.

Try this timer method if you haven't, it's surprisingly effective!

Complete

This song was buried at the back of my mind for a long time. This song is a very personal worship I have with God, and was also the song I walked down the aisle the day I married my dear hub. I think I haven't even listened to it for quite a while. But for the past 3 days, it is this song that resonates deeply. It gave me the perspective to keep looking up towards my Lord. To know that I am still a work incomplete but He is in the process of making me whole. He will bring me to completion. I know.

Here I am Oh God

I bring this sacrifice

My open heart

I offer up my life

I look to you Lord

Your love that never ends

Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord

In your strength will I breakthrough Lord

Touch me now

let your love fall down on me

I know your Love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord

And by faith I will walk on Lord

Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day

And I will be COMPLETE in you.

Under the weather

The little girl and I have been a little under the weather lately. She started having runny nose and last night conjunctivitis. Thank God we managed to find a PD available on Sunday and she's doing well, taking her long afternoon nap now. Considering that we felt like we were going to have a "bleak" sunday ahead when she refused to sleep because of her eye and all 3 of us were watching Hi-5 at 1.30am in the morning. She is back to this cheerful little lark and we are both very thankful about.

I have been having this chronic cough and a bad back. Terrible because it felt like it didn't warrant anymore sick days home but I cannot make proper conversations with anyone without coughing fits. And the bad back is just a pain. I've been on TCM after 3 courses of western meds, and none seems to be helping. Perhaps it's the rest I need.

The point of my entry is to remember this moment, of peace and quietness. Kel is off to Church, while the little girl is taking a nap. I've mopped the floor and cooked the dinner. I have a thousand one things I want to do, catch up on my work, perhaps do some painting, or sewing .... but instead I chose to slump on the amazing couch, with the air con on. I savor this quiet moment in prayer and I know, I can do with such moments more often.

4 years and stronger

Being married has brought out the ugliest and best side of us. 4 years, we have gone through a fair share of highs and lows. Its amazing because from the time we got married, our lives have been in constant transition. There has been a major change going on every single year. Employment, baby, moving back Singapore, Kel going into full time ministry, and now studies. Flashback of the past 4 years, I remember fun times, endearing moments, forgiving, and reconciliation. I wouldn't say it was a bed of roses always when grindings of the daily routines take over. Considering how different we both are, we clash big time. When I am stressed up, I see every single hair on the floor, the unwashed cups, the magnified dust and mess. When he is stressed up, he takes a back seat, and disengages a little (sometimes more :)); And funnily, we normally get stressed at the same time, so you can imagine the tolerance that has to come on both ends.

4 years has been rewarding and I am so glad that God gave me a man whose love for me is unwavering. I saw how he has grown to give in and give up, how he humbled himself. I thank God for humbling me and moulding me, for teaching me to give thanks, hope and trust when things do not go my way. I thank God that we can look into each other's eyes and still be passionate for each other. For giving us a beautiful daughter to remind us that we ought to remain faithful to love each other for her sake too. We told each other when we had our date yesterday, that we will constantly remember to keep our excitement for each other strong and not forget how we love spending time together, and that nothing should rob that away. Not age, not the weighs in life, not anything.

I enter the 5th year of marriage with a prayer that I will walk stronger with the Lord, because it is only through Him that I can gain strength to love and wisdom. I enter in this new phase excited because God is doing so much more in Kel's life that I know I trust this man to lead the family to deeper love with our Lord.

Happy Anniversary my dear ... I love you ...

Tri-Color Rule

One of the fun things of motherhood is to try out new and interesting recipes. I love scouring blogs and Annabel Karmel's recipes for ideas. Most times, I derive my own, so I'll let my imagination run a little, imagine combination of taste and what could be whipped out from it.

I have a couple of simple rules I abide by.

1. Quick meals

2. Easy to obtain ingredients (mostly revolved around what I already have in the fridge)

3. Tri-color rule

Tri-color rule is important. Firstly, it has aesthetic value. Who can resist a colorful meal? Secondly, it offers higher nutritional value. A PD's advice to me was, you need to have minimum 3 colored vegetables. Sounds troublesome, but actually it's simple. Green, Orange, Yellow are my rule. So its always a combination between the greens, a root vegetable/Fruit like sweet potatoes, pumpkin, or corn. Then there's also cauliflower, onions, Zuchinni, squash etc. to play around with.

So after a tri-color rule, the meal will require 1 source of carbo, usually brown rice or pasta/noodles, and then your protein. Chicken/Fish are my main ones, sometimes I'll have beef and pork, but I haven't tried lamb personally because I hardly ever cook that, so I don't really know how to handle lamb.

So if you've any suggestions of good toddler meal ideas, please feel free to drop them in my comments!