PROJECT CHIA YEN

Specially for you Chia Yen Mok: Project Yen

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?It is an avenue for all friends of Chia Yen to share the moments & stories they had with her. These stories that you share will be compiled into a book for Janice to read when she grows up. Through your stories, Janice will then be able to know how Yen was like, what Yen did, how Yen impacted so many lives, how Yen reacted & respond to issues etc. 
In turn hopefully, it'll show Janice how much her mum loved and was loved by others and most importantly inspire Janice to love others the way Yen did.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
You can write some stories or moments you had with Yen. Or in what way Yen has impacted your life. If you're the creative sort, you can write a poem or draw a cartoon or doodle something like how Yen does. Or Send a Funny Picture you took together with Yen and add a funny caption to it. Basically anything that yo can think of that can be translated into a PDF format is welcomed. Even if you still have SMSes, Whatsapp conversations or emails correspondences you had with Yen, just email or print screen.
It's the memories we are after, the MORE the MERRIER.

HOW TO GO ABOUT IT?
Email your sharing to projectchiayen@gmail.com
A couple of things to note:

• You can write either a minimum of a short paragraph or maximum of 1 A4 page (with no spacing)
• Try to attach a pic of you and Yen if possible when you email your write up.
• DEADLINE: 1st DEC 2012

Thank you for your efforts in helping Janice get to know her mum better.

A New Journey has began

I remembered that there were friends who follow Yen's blog fervently and I thought I should let you guys know about Yen's promotion to glory to be with her Lord and Savior.
She left yesterday (20 Oct 2012) @ 1130am.
I want to thank everyone who has been keeping us in your prayer and all your kind and encouraging words that keep flooding our lives to help us live on for the Glory of God our King.

This new journey is going to be really tough without Yen physically by my side. My best friend, lover, consultant (fashion, financial and food) and a very firm supporter. Though tough, I will continue on because that would firstly please my King and secondly make Yen really proud too.

I'll try my best to continue the pages of this blog as Yen would have done. But as you have already read in the previous 2 paragraphs, I cannot write! So if you guys can tolerate my lousy writing, please continue to come back and see our updates; Janice and myself.

The evening walk in the valley

I'm not sure where this post will lead me to. So bear with me ... 

A lot has happened in the past few months. I've completed a whole set of chemotherapy (13 in total) and in the midst traveled to Seoul and to Brisbane after the chemo. We've decided to put more chemo on the hold though I'm not exactly out of the woods yet.

Over the Brisbane trip, God has spoken and renewed much within me. He reminded me of my call, how He has known and is leading. I came back refreshed mentally and spiritually. Almost having a "bring it on!" mentality, of course that said in much humility, knowing it is Him I rely on. 

Things actually started to go downhill. I hung on, prayed, and kept 'marching' on. Nothing can stop me, I told myself. The devil can try to pull my physical body down but not my spirit.  

But today I broke down. The cough that has affected my back, my sleep, my voice (totally lost it now) and now my breathing took its toil.

What does accepting the will of God really mean? I know that regardless of how things pen out, I can trust in His will. It will always be better. But how does it affect me in daily ways? How should I react if the doc were to suggest that I should be stuck on to an oxygen tank? 

What does it mean that I not lose heart? I found it a struggle to grapple, to surrender, to accept, and to live in faith all at one go. 

When David said that even if he walks through the valley of shadow of death, he fears nothing because God is with Him. I felt as though I am actually walking through the valley, its rocky, its dark, its difficult. I trip, I fall. Its painful. 

I am having difficulties expressing myself. Not just the detangling of what is on my mind, but I can barely speak out anything audible. But interestingly Kel shared what God has been speaking and what he is grappling with. The accepting of His will. How Abraham went all the way to sacrifice Isaac. He did not know what God was going to do. He merely did his part. He's at the point, not knowing the will of God, learning to trust, learning to balance surrendering and faith. We share such similar sentiments. God is speaking to us! So then, what's our part to play this very point?

The seeking of His peace (that we know transcends all understanding) is possible. 

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." 

As I sat reading His words, I am reminded of transactions made in worship and praises before Him. I plucked myself out and sat before the keyboard to allow His spirit to guide me in worship. If I can't sing, I shall play! 2 songs came out, "I long to worship you my Lord" and "How could I keep from singing". I understood today once again that I cannot flee from His presence and go from His Spirit. The devil can rob me of everything, but will never be able to stop me from experiencing the heavenly transactions through worship. He can't stop me from worshipping my God, because I can worship when I am down or up, any circumstances.

Today's evening walk in the valley was a breathless one. Very uncomfortable (I mean literally as well). But it's given me another boost, another call for His grace.

Quietly alive :)

It's been a deafening silence on this site. I can't believe I last blogged 4 months ago. There is much to update, but they haven't quite made it here. Will try!
Meanwhile, for those who follow this blog but are not my FB friends, let you know that I'm still alive. :D

I miss juggling

I miss juggling. Not the cirques kind of juggling, but juggling life. Its strange that when life zooms you by, you want the peace and quiet, and just to be able to breathe. But sometimes I feel that I have breathed enough and its time to go, but to realize I don't know where. 

I miss being in control, over the meals of my family, our schedules and having a spreadsheet to manage my time and juggle between work, family and church. I want to be a supermom. Allowing the adrenalin to rush like crazy sometimes, only to find that I am running like a headless chicken.

I spent the past few weeks reading about the pride and downfall of kings in the Old testament. All who started off in awe and dependence on God but later went on their own ways, finding their own solutions in life and proud at their own achievements. I reflected on my own and noticed the blessedness of being stripped to total dependence, not knowing how life is going to pen out. It is 'oh so uncomfortable' and so liberating at the same time. I can't describe.

Still, I long for the day when my strength is back to 110%. The extra 10% comes because I am charged with new perspectives and empowerment, to know that my strength comes from the boast of the power from above. That I can juggle again, because He enables me. 

5 Years on - Stronger

We celebrated our 5th anniversary over the weekend. We had a blast with a big group of family and friends. It was touching and intimate, and it was extremely fun. Oh and the food was great. We still can't believe that we've been married for half a decade. It felt short, but at the same time felt as though we've been together forever (in a good way).  5 years on, I know this marriage has been strengthened, refined and our love has gone deeper. I used to fantasize a wedding and marriage filled with romance and surprises and somehow along the years I was still hit with bouts of insecurity of whether such would ever be fulfilled and if I would ever learnt to be contented. As we crossed the midnight mark stepping into our 6th year of marriage, I closed my eyes and asked God for His word. It was contentment, I suddenly could look back at everything with eyes of contentment of what God has given to me. It was beautiful. I recalled my wedding as a wonderful memory, the times of disappointments I couldn't seem to let go over the years became lessons learnt and forgiven and most importantly, the 5 years of walking through the ups and downs were the best thing that has ever happened. I know Kel better and I know how much I am loved and cherished. Not a single doubt. I suddenly understood contentment. I think the past one year has shaped us (me especially) into  new people and I confidently say the old has gone. 

I remember the day after diagnosis, I had conversation with Ailing (Kel's elder sis) and she said that her brother is the best person to walk through this journey with me. I couldn't agree more, because over the months, so many people have commented on how amazing Kel has been. I couldn't agree more. I have never seen him as steady as this and he has been my pillar in every area. 

We are so different. The marriage prep test we took before we got married exposed our differences. We got married and there was no end to comparing our different we are. We laugh about them, we bicker, we argue, we cry over them. At some point we were so helpless that we thought, maybe we need some help to deal with our differences. But one thing I took my hat off is that he has never given up. Despite having difficulties to express himself like any other guy, he strived to communicate his thoughts, he took so much efforts to be the man to me. Today, he picks up my dirty laundry, he washes all my dishes, he picks up my shoes. He bathes Janice, he puts her to bed, he attends to all our needs. Janice and I are very blessed. 

I have learnt to sit back over the year to enjoy this wonderful relationship God has given to me. I realized that I have been too critical and harsh towards Kel and towards myself over the years. Sitting back has caused me to learn contentment and just giving thanks to my mighty God who knows me best to have provided for me the best. Someone who is so different but accepting of every part of me. Someone who is willing to complement my weaknesses with his strength without a single word of complaint. Someone who has never stopped loving despite my hurtful words in midst of my pain. Someone whom I can stroke his hair and his back whilst he's asleep, just thanking God that we are husband and wife. Someone whom I know Janice is in good hands because his love is sacrificial and unpretentious. 

Happy 5th Anniversary my darling. We enter into our 6th year looking up and holding tight to His grace. I love you more each day. really....

 With continuous joy and laughter .... 

and with a deep gratitude. I will cherish you, many, many years to come .... 

Love, Wifey

5th Anniversary Video

I couldn't upload this on Fb, hope this channel works! Thank you Vic, Lucia and Jia Jia for putting this touching video together. I had to hide in my hall and watch it again, holding Kel's hands and crying :)

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

We had an awesome weekend of celebrations. Our 5th wedding anniversary fell on Saturday, 12 May and it was also Mothers' Day yesterday. Before I blog about the wonderful husband I have and my thoughts about the 5th Year, I thought I will write about a group of very important people in my life.

I am very blessed to have met these group of girlfriends in SAJC (2 more girls missing: Yetty and Lilin). Ok, Lynn was kind of a special friend out of the group (one of my ang moh speaking friends - haha) and the rest of 7 of us kind of hung out almost everyday. Anyway before I go on about our history, I want to say a big thank you to you girls in the pic. I booked the venue for my anniversary party, sent out invites via FB but the mastermind behind the touching and fun party were them. Vic took up the role as the event organizer (once a bridesmaid, always a bridesmaid) and she did her delegation: slideshow, games, decor, photo booth, sharing etc. I did nothing and just dressed up and rock up to the party. Even the dress was chosen by Vic and the make up half done by JJ. Thank you, it was exactly how I'd love the party to be and I know you girls made it possible because you love me (us - esp Janice)

I realized I seldom make much mention of my friends on FB/Blog. But you girls have been pivotal in so many junctures of my life. I remembered being reluctant to be in SAJC, Arts faculty, but 2 years there turned out to be one of the best years of my life, mainly because of the friends I made. I can't believe we have grown up together for the past XX years and walked each other through different phases of life. I remembered Vic once shared in my wedding that majority of our friendship was spent long distant (with me spending 11 years in Brisbane) but I can't express how glad to be back in Singapore enjoying the friendship in closer proximity. I thank God for no barriers even after more than a decade being away and I look forward to every single meet up and catch up.

Thank you for taking the effort to visit me and encourage me through this time (plus traveling!). It must have been shocking/hard for you to hear the news when I fell sick and I think we all had some form paradigm shift about life. One of the things I thought about was for Janice to be able to spend as much time with you girls because that's where she's also going to get a dose of who mummy's friends are and how mummy is like. So thank you for loving me, for loving Janice and for the smiles and encouragements you have given to me. You girls are the "bestest" friends anyone could have. I love you!

p.s. Lilin and Yetty, I'm still waiting for two of you to be back!!! :)

Topic of Grace through the wisdom of my Dad

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. I spent about 1/2 of it staying in the hospital. I felt sicker than I ever did for the past 10 months since the cancer was discovered. I went through a couple of "minor" procedures, some was ok, some left me traumatized. I think I really went to the pits. I cried easily and the 2 days after discharged, I felt that I was really in the ruts. I couldn't get out of imagining the worst of everything. I kept thinking how it would be like to have the disease beyond control and how my funeral might look like. I couldn't bear to part with everything, Janice, Kelvin, and all my love ones. Everyday was a blur, and I swung from laughing with Janice to crying like a baby. My brother helped to sort out some thoughts and I figured it's healthy to plan and pen what I would like to see (legally and also other aspects like parenting values etc.). All these planning were logical and in planning, I can then fully put it aside. Since planning is necessary whether I am in this situation or not. In all these to learn to trust God for God, not His healing, not His provision. Just Him, because His plans are good. 

the turning point came 2 days ago. I had the most amazing conversation with my dad. He told me how I am so blessed (and the family) to have gone through many phases of life. From the time I was born, to have grown up, gone through university, found a man I love and loves me, and gave birth to the an amazing daughter till now is the grace of God. He said firmly. He said the grace of God has been upon all our lives even before he knew Jesus. He shared life stories of the number times he could have gone bankrupt, or lost his life but the grace of God we are where we are, not needing to worry about finances even through this tough time. He said when I got diagnosed, he told himself to not ask why, but focus on how to get the family together to stand through this. He asked me if I was happy, because he is. The family is standing closer than ever, and the grace of God is giving us more than sufficient strength to walk through every step.

He said that we can have lots of knowledge. We can even finish the bible many times. But we can never fathom the timing and the plans of God. We are not God. We don't know what happens tomorrow. But we can know that God's grace will enable us to make the right decisions and persevere because of the Holy Spirit living in us. Our sole responsibility is to trust in Him and trust in His plans, His timing. It is about an unrelenting spirit to keep going at every juncture. But when we trust and pray, we can never have conditions attached. We ask, we plead, we believe, but "no conditions" he said. We ask God daily to reduce your pain and get you better, but still, "no conditions attached" Because we have no rights to attach conditions, God is God, we are to remain humble always.

The depth of my dad's convictions humbled me. His wisdom gave me so much light and helped me recognize that though I feel like I am walking in the valley, there is this amazing grace, truly more than sufficient. Every juncture, nook or turn; obstacles or just through a plain day. His grace enables and in my weakness I boast of this power I have from above. 

I thank God for an amazing family and friends who has never given up to love and believe. There was never a word of despair or discouragement, never a word of complaint. I am truly blessed, and I am happy. Because of this grace, because of this love. 

Introducing Moots, Toots and Hoots

One big thing I am grateful about was to be still paid even though I was effectively MIA in FOFTS (Focus on the Family Singapore). For a good 5 months, I was paid and nothing was expected on my end. A kindness I felt I didn't deserve. I felt a little restless by the 6th month and asked if there was anything I could do. 

I then embarked into this incredible world of writing and illustrating children storybooks based on the themes of a program that we run for parents and their pre-schoolers. I was clueless, but it was such a great experience to explore creating my own characters, having a stint at writing some short stories (I think I was obsessed a while to get my sentences to rhyme all the time!) and illustrating the book based on the stories. Eventually, the project couldn't continue on because of a variety of reasons.  I've done a couple of books (the pictures above are some of the illustrations done) but they have yet to reach the soft copy, ready-to-print stage. But it has been such a fun time (sometimes tiring because of the long hours sitting - drawing and coloring). So who knows, I might pick it up again down the road, so if you e-v-e-r see it at the new stand/bookshop, please pick up a copy :) I should do a poll and see if I have enough supporters to continue this project haha.

I have officially ended my season at FOTFS, but this family will forever be close to my heart. I saw how the key people juggled the the different commitments they had to walk the talk. The ministry is a great and needed one, so if you have not heard about it, please click on the link to its website. They also have resources online on topics related to family. And if you share the convictions and passion to strengthen families, the first step could be to DONATE to the ministry or be a VOLUNTEER :)