The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. I spent about 1/2 of it staying in the hospital. I felt sicker than I ever did for the past 10 months since the cancer was discovered. I went through a couple of "minor" procedures, some was ok, some left me traumatized. I think I really went to the pits. I cried easily and the 2 days after discharged, I felt that I was really in the ruts. I couldn't get out of imagining the worst of everything. I kept thinking how it would be like to have the disease beyond control and how my funeral might look like. I couldn't bear to part with everything, Janice, Kelvin, and all my love ones. Everyday was a blur, and I swung from laughing with Janice to crying like a baby. My brother helped to sort out some thoughts and I figured it's healthy to plan and pen what I would like to see (legally and also other aspects like parenting values etc.). All these planning were logical and in planning, I can then fully put it aside. Since planning is necessary whether I am in this situation or not. In all these to learn to trust God for God, not His healing, not His provision. Just Him, because His plans are good.
the turning point came 2 days ago. I had the most amazing conversation with my dad. He told me how I am so blessed (and the family) to have gone through many phases of life. From the time I was born, to have grown up, gone through university, found a man I love and loves me, and gave birth to the an amazing daughter till now is the grace of God. He said firmly. He said the grace of God has been upon all our lives even before he knew Jesus. He shared life stories of the number times he could have gone bankrupt, or lost his life but the grace of God we are where we are, not needing to worry about finances even through this tough time. He said when I got diagnosed, he told himself to not ask why, but focus on how to get the family together to stand through this. He asked me if I was happy, because he is. The family is standing closer than ever, and the grace of God is giving us more than sufficient strength to walk through every step.
He said that we can have lots of knowledge. We can even finish the bible many times. But we can never fathom the timing and the plans of God. We are not God. We don't know what happens tomorrow. But we can know that God's grace will enable us to make the right decisions and persevere because of the Holy Spirit living in us. Our sole responsibility is to trust in Him and trust in His plans, His timing. It is about an unrelenting spirit to keep going at every juncture. But when we trust and pray, we can never have conditions attached. We ask, we plead, we believe, but "no conditions" he said. We ask God daily to reduce your pain and get you better, but still, "no conditions attached" Because we have no rights to attach conditions, God is God, we are to remain humble always.
The depth of my dad's convictions humbled me. His wisdom gave me so much light and helped me recognize that though I feel like I am walking in the valley, there is this amazing grace, truly more than sufficient. Every juncture, nook or turn; obstacles or just through a plain day. His grace enables and in my weakness I boast of this power I have from above.
I thank God for an amazing family and friends who has never given up to love and believe. There was never a word of despair or discouragement, never a word of complaint. I am truly blessed, and I am happy. Because of this grace, because of this love.
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