Topic of Grace through the wisdom of my Dad

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. I spent about 1/2 of it staying in the hospital. I felt sicker than I ever did for the past 10 months since the cancer was discovered. I went through a couple of "minor" procedures, some was ok, some left me traumatized. I think I really went to the pits. I cried easily and the 2 days after discharged, I felt that I was really in the ruts. I couldn't get out of imagining the worst of everything. I kept thinking how it would be like to have the disease beyond control and how my funeral might look like. I couldn't bear to part with everything, Janice, Kelvin, and all my love ones. Everyday was a blur, and I swung from laughing with Janice to crying like a baby. My brother helped to sort out some thoughts and I figured it's healthy to plan and pen what I would like to see (legally and also other aspects like parenting values etc.). All these planning were logical and in planning, I can then fully put it aside. Since planning is necessary whether I am in this situation or not. In all these to learn to trust God for God, not His healing, not His provision. Just Him, because His plans are good. 

the turning point came 2 days ago. I had the most amazing conversation with my dad. He told me how I am so blessed (and the family) to have gone through many phases of life. From the time I was born, to have grown up, gone through university, found a man I love and loves me, and gave birth to the an amazing daughter till now is the grace of God. He said firmly. He said the grace of God has been upon all our lives even before he knew Jesus. He shared life stories of the number times he could have gone bankrupt, or lost his life but the grace of God we are where we are, not needing to worry about finances even through this tough time. He said when I got diagnosed, he told himself to not ask why, but focus on how to get the family together to stand through this. He asked me if I was happy, because he is. The family is standing closer than ever, and the grace of God is giving us more than sufficient strength to walk through every step.

He said that we can have lots of knowledge. We can even finish the bible many times. But we can never fathom the timing and the plans of God. We are not God. We don't know what happens tomorrow. But we can know that God's grace will enable us to make the right decisions and persevere because of the Holy Spirit living in us. Our sole responsibility is to trust in Him and trust in His plans, His timing. It is about an unrelenting spirit to keep going at every juncture. But when we trust and pray, we can never have conditions attached. We ask, we plead, we believe, but "no conditions" he said. We ask God daily to reduce your pain and get you better, but still, "no conditions attached" Because we have no rights to attach conditions, God is God, we are to remain humble always.

The depth of my dad's convictions humbled me. His wisdom gave me so much light and helped me recognize that though I feel like I am walking in the valley, there is this amazing grace, truly more than sufficient. Every juncture, nook or turn; obstacles or just through a plain day. His grace enables and in my weakness I boast of this power I have from above. 

I thank God for an amazing family and friends who has never given up to love and believe. There was never a word of despair or discouragement, never a word of complaint. I am truly blessed, and I am happy. Because of this grace, because of this love. 

Introducing Moots, Toots and Hoots

One big thing I am grateful about was to be still paid even though I was effectively MIA in FOFTS (Focus on the Family Singapore). For a good 5 months, I was paid and nothing was expected on my end. A kindness I felt I didn't deserve. I felt a little restless by the 6th month and asked if there was anything I could do. 

I then embarked into this incredible world of writing and illustrating children storybooks based on the themes of a program that we run for parents and their pre-schoolers. I was clueless, but it was such a great experience to explore creating my own characters, having a stint at writing some short stories (I think I was obsessed a while to get my sentences to rhyme all the time!) and illustrating the book based on the stories. Eventually, the project couldn't continue on because of a variety of reasons.  I've done a couple of books (the pictures above are some of the illustrations done) but they have yet to reach the soft copy, ready-to-print stage. But it has been such a fun time (sometimes tiring because of the long hours sitting - drawing and coloring). So who knows, I might pick it up again down the road, so if you e-v-e-r see it at the new stand/bookshop, please pick up a copy :) I should do a poll and see if I have enough supporters to continue this project haha.

I have officially ended my season at FOTFS, but this family will forever be close to my heart. I saw how the key people juggled the the different commitments they had to walk the talk. The ministry is a great and needed one, so if you have not heard about it, please click on the link to its website. They also have resources online on topics related to family. And if you share the convictions and passion to strengthen families, the first step could be to DONATE to the ministry or be a VOLUNTEER :) 

A Delight to be a Disciple

After I was D overdosed last week, a friend (was my j.c. teacher) dropped me a message reminding me of a couple of scriptures: Psalm 37:3-4 and John 11:1-43.

I sat on the word (not literally!) for a few days as I worked through a couple of struggles in my heart. I sensed the freedom to keep my life (and my thoughts) simple as I learn to walk with the Lord e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.

Desires - my desires are met by my Lord and I shall not be in want. He satisfy all my needs and knows of all my desires. 

Disciple - Above all my roles on earth, I am a disciple of Christ. Like Peter, and many others in the bible, I have flaws and weaknesses. But I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus. To believe and live out His word and put fulfilling His commission above my plans. To know that sometimes He takes time to mould me, He uses circumstances to shape me, all because He loves me.

Delight - In waiting, instead of seeing it as a Delay thus discouragement, I learn to delight. It teaches me to have a grateful heart. A bitter spirit eats up the joy, and crushes the spirit. I've seen how bitter I can get when I face struggles in parenting, in my marriage, and life in general. Thus I will learn to take Delight as His Disciple. Wouldn't you? If you know that you are a disciple to the great high priest, the wonderful counselor, and the great King over the heaven and earth. He who will freely give - Love, guidance, wisdom and power. 

My human mind can only comprehend how hard and impossible all the above is. But the gentle holy spirit will tell me, keep it simple because" surely I am with you, till the very end of age (Matthew 28:20, Jesus' last words)"

Growing up fast!

Dear Janice,

You're growing up fast! I found a picture of you still swimming in my tummy, about 2 weeks before you popped. And now, you're swimming like a little mermaid, quite fearless in the waters.

You are the biggest joy in our lives, amusing us with your funny statements and witty thoughts. You surprise us with creativity and taught us to look at things in a whole new perspective. You sometimes wake up a grouch but most days wake up like a little sunshine, beaming through your smiles and fill the house with your endless chats.

At 3.5 years old, you have not much problem expressing your thoughts and feelings, and of course your "wants". You enjoy adding and subtraction; likes doing homework [except for chinese :( ]. Your life is filled with pretend play, and you seem to have endless bouts of energy that people often asked how we kept up with you. Though you may not be the "run and climb" around sort, but besides watching and the TV, painting and during meals (you have no choice) you are constantly on a move.

Janice, you're well loved and I pray that the foundation given at home helps to build a healthy sense of security in you. Constantly surrounded by your grandparents, you lack nothing but has been given abundance (toys inclusive), so remember to always treat your love ones in gentleness and love!

You're easily excitable (like your daddy) so its always fun to plant little surprises for you because of the way you eyes lit. Even your Gong Gong and Popo hide toys, plan surprise random trips to the parks, buy Bao (Your love for Bao is another story of its own) for you after school just to see that bright eyes and hear that contagious giggle. 

When we talk about you, we are filled with pride because we are proud of you. We are filled with immense thanksgiving because you are really God's gift to us. Especially to me, you've given me strength and taught me to live each day with joy.

Love you dearly,

Mummy

D overdosed.

It's been a while since I blogged. Its not that life has been that uneventful. But I am just unmotivated. I think being unmotivated to blog is just the surface, i am just unmotivated in general. So I pondered, prayed, D factors came to mind. 

Firstly this blog is Disorganized and I have been hoping that the categories are neater, and the hoping that to give the blog a face-lift. But as you can see, I am still hoping since no actions has been taken. The blog is just one area, there are many areas in my life that I am hoping to see improvements and the truth is that I need (and I want to) take responsibilities over them.

Then came the Discouragements. Ever since the last PET, things went a little downhill, health wise. I fell sick, then there was a bout of cough that lasted a couple weeks, then there was the fractured rib, and I felt easily tired and breathless all over again. All these just felt like a drag and in that few weeks, I really struggled in my devotions and even my bible reading program was on pause. 

So all in all led to a Disarray of priorities. Ever since the start of the year, I have been praying and asking God to direct us (especially for me). Plans, my focus, what's the next step, how I could meaningfully spend my time etc. Though there were the downtimes (health wise again), I feel well enough most days to want to do something. Not just pacing around thinking of where to have my lunch, but "do something" constructive. 

Therefore, I have been doing a lot more, took up projects at my (ex) workplace, serving in the worship ministry, re-conquering my kitchen, meal planning, attempted pilate, home learning plans for J, reorganizing J's room, attend a conference and many other items on the list. And so, I started feeling frustrated. I fell back to my usual bad habits again: Doing and not being able to differentiate what's important and what should be under the good to do, but not the priority list. Where is God leading me, have I stopped to ask? "Let go" there are just some things that are not important, I don't have to achieve them all. 

De clutter needs to take place. I am now back on track with my bible reading program. I am talking to God to figure out what's my call for this season. I am also trying not to focus on the uncertainties that I am incapable of figuring out the outcome (like my health). The husband has a silent retreat planned up for me (all by myself) so the only one I communicate to in that 2 days is God. I am learning to feel at ease to say no to projects (and no to myself). As I am typing all these, I am taking Deep breaths because the most important thing I need to learn is to relax my tense muscles and trust God for His full control. 

p.s. by the way, this post came totally un-planned. In the midst of silence on my blog over the past few weeks/months, there were many note worthy posts, most of them to point to me of God's faithfulness. So tonight, I thought I should give Him the due honor and to somehow blog them down as my "future reference". I needed to start somewhere and was going to write a post about an encounter I had last week. But I got intercepted by D thoughts above. So somehow, I Digressed real bad and will have to Defer my entry because I am now seriously sleepy after this long post. Ha :)

There, I am now overdosed with D :) 

~D end~

Updates: The journey continues

Looks like this leg of the journey is still ongoing. 4 PET scans, 7 Xrays, 6 CT scans, countless blood tests, 6 cycles of Chemo, 6 days of radiation and 3 months of oral drug treatment later, the journey hasn't ended. 8 months ago, I didn't know how long this journey would be and even wondered if that would be the final leg of my journey. 

So at this point, I am still not sure how long it is going to take. Reports from the PET scan and blood test done 2 days ago shows a good and not so good results. The main tumor in the lung (radiated on earlier) has reduced further, and the affected bones and lymph nodes seem to be gone :) The guys who did my PET even thought that these areas were radiated on therefore got better, but we did not. In fact, that was our litmus test to see if the oral drug is actually working and it seems that the drug is working, miraculously. But there're new growths in the same lung and an ovarian cyst which we are still unsure of their "toxicity". Blood test also reflected better readings for one marker and a rise for the other. So after many months, the oncologist continues to conclude me as her most challenging case. I'm still feeling fine physically, so we joked perhaps the problem lies in the machine! Even my dad started to doubt if I was really sick. 

I was a little disappointed though I am still convinced of God's hands upon my life. The God I know who's the almighty and omnipotent God remains true yesterday, today and tomorrow. After some tears last night, I am woke up this morning to be renewed by the promises of God. The 'pause' is not a total halt, I sense a time of preparation, sharpening of vision and building us towards it. 

Psalm 112

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]   Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands. ² His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. ³ Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. ⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. ⁵ Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. ⁶ Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. ⁷ He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. ⁸ His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. ⁹ He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever;his horn will be lifted high in honor.

 ¹⁰ The wicked man will see and be vexed, he will gnash his teeth and waste away; The longings of the wicked will come to nothing. 

Pause

Whilst I was doing my devotions this morning, I suddenly had the picture of Janice tapping on the pause button when she was asked to do something in the midst of her watching video clips (she learnt that herself...kids nowadays). But I felt in my heart that God had somehow hit my pause button some 8 months ago.
In the midst of that 'pause' He has allowed me to filter and figure what matters most.
Many things took its 'pause' over the last 8 months. Career was one, I did way less housework, and many daily routines that sort of fell into place to work around the schedules. But in that midst, my worship grew, my devotions grew, my faith grew. My role as a mom, a wife grew (I tried to spend more time being there rather than busying myself round the house all the time). I have a lot more opportunities to spend time with my parents and friends. I am now putting efforts to work on my passions and plant myself to be an effective sister in Christ in the local church. I learnt to rest.
This 'pause' exposed my vulnerability and showed me to rely on MY mighty God everyday.

One Pot Goodness: Pumpkin Chicken Rice

* sorry this pic was very badly taken because the lighting was bad in the kitchen and I was just too lazy

I love these one pot goodness because they are easy to make and very little washing up. Preparation and washing can be done under 30 mins - * I like :) This particular dish has been my comfort food since Brisbane days.

Ingredients:

Rice - (I used 1/2 short grain rice because I like it slightly sticky)

Chicken fillet (Breast or Thigh) - Sliced up into small pieces, marinate with soya sauce, dash of wine, pepper, sesame oil, and corn flour

Dried Shitake Mushrooms - Pre-soaked for 1-2 hrs

Dried Shrimps - A small handful

Garlic - chopped up

Pumpkin - Cubed

Soya Sauce light and dark

Method:

Put rice into rice cooker

While rice is being cooked,  I prepared the ingredients

- sliced up chicken

- marinate chicken

- chopped up garlic
- cubed the pumpkin

- used scissors to cut up the dried mushrooms

Cooking portion:
- heat up frying pan with oil (I used grapeseed oil)
- add garlic and let it sizzle (not burnt)
- add dried shrimp
- add in pumpkin (if you prefer, you can pre-steam the pumpkin a little to soften and quicken the process)
- add in chicken
- add a dash of dark soya sauce
Lightly stir fry for a minute or so (Pumpkin should more or less be softened and chicken almost fully cooked)

By then the rice in the rice cooker should be almost done (Water dried up when you open the rice cooker)
Add all the ingredients onto the rice and mix well
Let the rice cooker finish its job

Meanwhile, wash up and by then everything should be done.
Serve and garnish with Fried Shallots and sesame seeds (optional)

Today, I have sharks fin melon soup and purple cabbage salad to go with the rice.

Dips

Dips are yummy and you need them at any parties. They are so good for nibbling off carrot & celery sticks and water-thin crackers. A few friends have requested for some dips recipes. My take is that as long as there is garlic and lemon juice + herbs, it would taste good. But be sure to brush your teeth after eating, unless your partner doesn't mind your garlic breath. :)

Hommus
Ingredients:

• 2 cloves garlic
• 400g Chick peas
• Fresh lemon juice
• 2 tbsp tahini (I blended my own sesame seeds)
• Salt and pepper to taste

Blend everything together. 

Garlic and Herb Dip

Ingredients:

• Small bunch of parsley (Or chives)
• 1 clove garlic
• 2 Shallots/spring onions (actually 1 small onion also can) 
• 250g cream cheese
• 2 tbsp plain yoghurt or milk

Blend everything together. 

Blessed New Year! - 2012

2011 has been an incredible year for us. Over the past 6 months, we’ve really tasted and experience the goodness of God and we are truly grateful for what He has done for us. Though it was a tremendously difficult time and all still seem surreal to us, we have really been blessed so much: Generosity of friends, who’ve blessed us with friendship and finances, and the unconditional love from our family members. God has really shown us how faithful He is through so many different events: The salvation of my parents, financial provision, supportive bosses and colleagues, spiritual support and love from all around us.

Though it has been a roller coaster ride with my condition fluctuating over the months, we thank God that we could celebrate this festive time and welcome the new year with the post radiation X-ray showing good signs of recovery. We are definitely entering the new year, a different person and we've never learnt to trust God this way. We continue to believe God for His healing hands as we learn to embrace the New Year with hopes and greater trust in the Lord’s good plans.

Thank you for journeying with us: For your unceasing prayers, messages, emails, visits, phone calls etc. We pray that you will too experience His great love, and His mighty power.

Have a wonderful 2012!