Hello 2014

Very quickly, 2013 has come and gone. Looking back at 2013, I can really see that God's gracious hand has been holding and carrying J and myself gently through the year. There were so many provisions that He provided from family and friends that He provided me with, the 6 months contract at Mediacorp which He divinely provided through a friend and also a school for J at the beginning of 2013 (which she really loves to attend). In fact, the list is way longer then just the few blessings mentioned, but instead of boring you with the details, my main point is to tell you that God is good and His mercy endures forever! 

In 2013, I was given the opportunity to write a letter to Janice titled 'To My Daughter' to tell her about how her mother was a woman of tenacity and how difficult it was for me to explain to her what happened to her mummy and also to communicate the hope we can have in Christ through the 'Celebrate Christmas in Singapore magazine 2013' on Pg 28-30.

And later in the year, I was again given the chance to be part of a interview for the Marina Bay Countdown 2013. Inside the short video, I shared about my situation, struggles and also the joys of my life.

I am thankful for these opportunities, not just because I can share about Yen's strength, but more for the times that I had to sit and reflect through the hard questions and try to answer them in both the letter and the video interview. And through these reflections, I learned more about myself and also started to be thankful for my situations rather than be resentful. That's because being resentful does not change the situation that I am in and it makes life a lot harder for J, the people around me and also for myself. But with a thankful heart, I learn to appreciate the little and big things in life that I can presently enjoy and that the future is more important than the past. 

So for me, I have chosen to learn and grow from my past experiences and embrace and enjoy what the future would bring. I am looking forward to 2014 and I hope you are too!

May you all have a Blessed 2014 and continue to count our blessings and start sharing those blessing with those who are less fortune than ourselves! 

"For GREAT is the LORD and most worthy of Praise; HE is to be feared above all gods".

 1 Chronicles 16:25

One Year on.

Recalling our last day as husband and wife just 1 year ago, that still seems so fresh in my mind. Around 3pm, the hospital had to change/upgrade Yen into a Single bed ward because her condition had worsened. Her white blood cells were low, thus making her very weak where the slightest infection that many of us take for granted would possibly kill her.

Upon that news, I was still keeping my hopes high, not willing to feel down about the situation trusting that God would extend His mighty healing hand just at the right time.

The evening passed, Yen could hardly utter words as she has almost lost her ability to speak from the cough and sore throat.I downloaded a ringing bell app on her Iphone so that she could ring it when she needed my help. I had to make sure that I sanitized my hands and wore a mask before I had any contact with her.

Without knowing that it was out last night together, I went to rest, as I was very tired from the previous nights’ stay at the hospital. (If I had known that it was our last night together, I would have spent it holding her in my arms and telling her that I love her and all the plans that I might have for J at that time.) This time since it was a single bed ward, it meant that I finally had a sofa to sleep on instead of the hard floor the past few times where she was staying in the 2 beds wards. So I did get a better night’s rest, but on hindsight, I would rather have slept on the hard floor just so long as she was in a better condition.

When I woke up the next morning, she got up as well, but with only a few sudden gasps of air and then she stopped. I had a shock! I tried ringing the assistance bell and shouted for help. Finally when the nurse came and asked me to step out of the room. It was then that I realized that she had stopped breathing. I was so scared I felt so cold and weak. And I was so lost and overwhelmed with sadness. Thankfully, in my shaky voice, I managed to call home and inform the rest of the family members.

It took the doctors 45 minutes or at least it felt like 45 minutes to resuscitate her, but the doctors told me that she is unlikely to recover from this; they are just keeping her alive with life support machine. Then they wheeled her down to ICU, by this time, most of our family and friends have already arrived at the hospital, each taking turns to bid Yen goodbye.

That was by far the worst day of my life. We’ve talked about it as a couple about this day after Yen was diagnosed, but it still very hard to accept when she really left. I held on tight to her cold hand thinking that it would help, but the situation did not change.

Another difficult part was bringing J see her mummy in that state. At first, J did not want to go into the room to see mummy as she was scared, but her aunt took time to slowly explain to her in very simple terms. I was glad J finally agreed to go into the room. After J said bye-bye to mummy, it was almost instantly that Yen’s heart stopped beating. It seemed like Yen was just waiting for J to come and say goodbye; it was about 1115am then.

I was still praying then, but God’s divine hand did not intervene in this situation. I was devastated with Yen’s departure. I felt totally helpless and have lost all hope for the future. But as I was still crying, this feeling of peace came upon me. It felt like a very comforting hand on my shoulder assuring me that everything is going to be all right.

I was still sad that Yen is not around me anymore, but that feeling was not as overwhelming as the hours before. I was assured that Yen is now in good hands, free from pain, coughing and medication. And that in view of the larger scope of life, God is still in-charged and will take of everything. 

 

One year on, I still tear when I recall what happened. But I am not sure if its because I miss Yen, or that I feel sorry for myself that such a thing would happen to me. Regardless, I’ve slowly over the year learned to accept my situation and to try to make the best of whatever God has placed in my life now. Trusting that God still has great plans lined up ahead for J and myself, and I want to be a part of it. 

Yen's Article in Seasons of Life

Yen submitted this article for editing and printing on the 8th of July 2012, just one day after her 32nd birthday. Sharing her faith and trust in God through the darkest and lowest valley of her life. I hope that you are able to read the words cause I had to change the file to a JPEG file in order to upload it. 

May you be blessed with her testimony.

the 12th of every month

On the 12th of every month, We would affirm our love for each other either through cards, flowers or just going out on a date. The 12th of Dec 2012 would be our 67th monthniversay (we like to call it). The last '12th' we had was the day we received the results of Yen's last P.E.T scan which revealed that her condition had gotten worst and that she would have to start chemotherapy again. That night was really special because we had the chance to lead our beloved cell group for praise and worship. We had a special guest that night too, our very own vicar and his family. I asked Yen if she felt ok to carry on, looking at her, she didn't look ok, but she still wanted to play because she knew that she couldn't sing. Yen really showed me that her priority and purpose was to bring praise and glory to our God and King.

Almost 2 months have passed since Yen's passing and life for Janice and me has not been and never will be the same as before. But one of the things that I am grateful to God for is that Janice is taking the loss of mummy really well. If Janice had been any older, the loss might have been a lot harder for her to bear and in turn harder for me too. So being daddy, Janice choses to cling on to me. She'll ask to follow me everywhere I go, which i think is quite cute at times and also tough at other times.

Just one night ago, someone asked me if I can still sense and feel the comfort of God during this time of difficulty. At first I didn't know how to answer, but when I thought a little more, i realized that the answer was plainly 'no, I find it hard to feel God's comfort over this time'. But what I do know is that when I go to a setting where people are ready to usher in God's presence, such as a church service, I am able to experience more of His comfort and grace.

If you are experiencing grief, discouragement or disappointment with God, don't think that running away from Him will make things better. I struggle a lot over this period as well. When I am alone, I ask Him why, I'll get really upset and try to turn away. But I know that I must not let me surroundings and things that happen to me form my theology about who God is. He is God and He knows best, my lousy circumstances does not make God a lousy God. So when I calm down, I'll have to return and apologize and ask for forgiveness. This seems to be my weekly christian walk lately.

Going to leave you guys with this verse from Ps 139:7-10.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

Please continue to keep us in prayer for the following points:

1. Clear direction and purpose for Janice and myself
2. A specific vocation that God would call me to
3. Help Janice adapt better to her new living arrangements
4. That Janice would grow confident in her position a child of God
5. I can find rest and peace with a greater intimacy with God

Thank you all so much, I know the entire entry is really messy in it's content. I thought I just write whatever that comes to my mind. I pray that you are blessed as well.

PROJECT CHIA YEN

Specially for you Chia Yen Mok: Project Yen

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?It is an avenue for all friends of Chia Yen to share the moments & stories they had with her. These stories that you share will be compiled into a book for Janice to read when she grows up. Through your stories, Janice will then be able to know how Yen was like, what Yen did, how Yen impacted so many lives, how Yen reacted & respond to issues etc. 
In turn hopefully, it'll show Janice how much her mum loved and was loved by others and most importantly inspire Janice to love others the way Yen did.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
You can write some stories or moments you had with Yen. Or in what way Yen has impacted your life. If you're the creative sort, you can write a poem or draw a cartoon or doodle something like how Yen does. Or Send a Funny Picture you took together with Yen and add a funny caption to it. Basically anything that yo can think of that can be translated into a PDF format is welcomed. Even if you still have SMSes, Whatsapp conversations or emails correspondences you had with Yen, just email or print screen.
It's the memories we are after, the MORE the MERRIER.

HOW TO GO ABOUT IT?
Email your sharing to projectchiayen@gmail.com
A couple of things to note:

• You can write either a minimum of a short paragraph or maximum of 1 A4 page (with no spacing)
• Try to attach a pic of you and Yen if possible when you email your write up.
• DEADLINE: 1st DEC 2012

Thank you for your efforts in helping Janice get to know her mum better.

A New Journey has began

I remembered that there were friends who follow Yen's blog fervently and I thought I should let you guys know about Yen's promotion to glory to be with her Lord and Savior.
She left yesterday (20 Oct 2012) @ 1130am.
I want to thank everyone who has been keeping us in your prayer and all your kind and encouraging words that keep flooding our lives to help us live on for the Glory of God our King.

This new journey is going to be really tough without Yen physically by my side. My best friend, lover, consultant (fashion, financial and food) and a very firm supporter. Though tough, I will continue on because that would firstly please my King and secondly make Yen really proud too.

I'll try my best to continue the pages of this blog as Yen would have done. But as you have already read in the previous 2 paragraphs, I cannot write! So if you guys can tolerate my lousy writing, please continue to come back and see our updates; Janice and myself.

The evening walk in the valley

I'm not sure where this post will lead me to. So bear with me ... 

A lot has happened in the past few months. I've completed a whole set of chemotherapy (13 in total) and in the midst traveled to Seoul and to Brisbane after the chemo. We've decided to put more chemo on the hold though I'm not exactly out of the woods yet.

Over the Brisbane trip, God has spoken and renewed much within me. He reminded me of my call, how He has known and is leading. I came back refreshed mentally and spiritually. Almost having a "bring it on!" mentality, of course that said in much humility, knowing it is Him I rely on. 

Things actually started to go downhill. I hung on, prayed, and kept 'marching' on. Nothing can stop me, I told myself. The devil can try to pull my physical body down but not my spirit.  

But today I broke down. The cough that has affected my back, my sleep, my voice (totally lost it now) and now my breathing took its toil.

What does accepting the will of God really mean? I know that regardless of how things pen out, I can trust in His will. It will always be better. But how does it affect me in daily ways? How should I react if the doc were to suggest that I should be stuck on to an oxygen tank? 

What does it mean that I not lose heart? I found it a struggle to grapple, to surrender, to accept, and to live in faith all at one go. 

When David said that even if he walks through the valley of shadow of death, he fears nothing because God is with Him. I felt as though I am actually walking through the valley, its rocky, its dark, its difficult. I trip, I fall. Its painful. 

I am having difficulties expressing myself. Not just the detangling of what is on my mind, but I can barely speak out anything audible. But interestingly Kel shared what God has been speaking and what he is grappling with. The accepting of His will. How Abraham went all the way to sacrifice Isaac. He did not know what God was going to do. He merely did his part. He's at the point, not knowing the will of God, learning to trust, learning to balance surrendering and faith. We share such similar sentiments. God is speaking to us! So then, what's our part to play this very point?

The seeking of His peace (that we know transcends all understanding) is possible. 

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." 

As I sat reading His words, I am reminded of transactions made in worship and praises before Him. I plucked myself out and sat before the keyboard to allow His spirit to guide me in worship. If I can't sing, I shall play! 2 songs came out, "I long to worship you my Lord" and "How could I keep from singing". I understood today once again that I cannot flee from His presence and go from His Spirit. The devil can rob me of everything, but will never be able to stop me from experiencing the heavenly transactions through worship. He can't stop me from worshipping my God, because I can worship when I am down or up, any circumstances.

Today's evening walk in the valley was a breathless one. Very uncomfortable (I mean literally as well). But it's given me another boost, another call for His grace.

Quietly alive :)

It's been a deafening silence on this site. I can't believe I last blogged 4 months ago. There is much to update, but they haven't quite made it here. Will try!
Meanwhile, for those who follow this blog but are not my FB friends, let you know that I'm still alive. :D

I miss juggling

I miss juggling. Not the cirques kind of juggling, but juggling life. Its strange that when life zooms you by, you want the peace and quiet, and just to be able to breathe. But sometimes I feel that I have breathed enough and its time to go, but to realize I don't know where. 

I miss being in control, over the meals of my family, our schedules and having a spreadsheet to manage my time and juggle between work, family and church. I want to be a supermom. Allowing the adrenalin to rush like crazy sometimes, only to find that I am running like a headless chicken.

I spent the past few weeks reading about the pride and downfall of kings in the Old testament. All who started off in awe and dependence on God but later went on their own ways, finding their own solutions in life and proud at their own achievements. I reflected on my own and noticed the blessedness of being stripped to total dependence, not knowing how life is going to pen out. It is 'oh so uncomfortable' and so liberating at the same time. I can't describe.

Still, I long for the day when my strength is back to 110%. The extra 10% comes because I am charged with new perspectives and empowerment, to know that my strength comes from the boast of the power from above. That I can juggle again, because He enables me. 

5 Years on - Stronger

We celebrated our 5th anniversary over the weekend. We had a blast with a big group of family and friends. It was touching and intimate, and it was extremely fun. Oh and the food was great. We still can't believe that we've been married for half a decade. It felt short, but at the same time felt as though we've been together forever (in a good way).  5 years on, I know this marriage has been strengthened, refined and our love has gone deeper. I used to fantasize a wedding and marriage filled with romance and surprises and somehow along the years I was still hit with bouts of insecurity of whether such would ever be fulfilled and if I would ever learnt to be contented. As we crossed the midnight mark stepping into our 6th year of marriage, I closed my eyes and asked God for His word. It was contentment, I suddenly could look back at everything with eyes of contentment of what God has given to me. It was beautiful. I recalled my wedding as a wonderful memory, the times of disappointments I couldn't seem to let go over the years became lessons learnt and forgiven and most importantly, the 5 years of walking through the ups and downs were the best thing that has ever happened. I know Kel better and I know how much I am loved and cherished. Not a single doubt. I suddenly understood contentment. I think the past one year has shaped us (me especially) into  new people and I confidently say the old has gone. 

I remember the day after diagnosis, I had conversation with Ailing (Kel's elder sis) and she said that her brother is the best person to walk through this journey with me. I couldn't agree more, because over the months, so many people have commented on how amazing Kel has been. I couldn't agree more. I have never seen him as steady as this and he has been my pillar in every area. 

We are so different. The marriage prep test we took before we got married exposed our differences. We got married and there was no end to comparing our different we are. We laugh about them, we bicker, we argue, we cry over them. At some point we were so helpless that we thought, maybe we need some help to deal with our differences. But one thing I took my hat off is that he has never given up. Despite having difficulties to express himself like any other guy, he strived to communicate his thoughts, he took so much efforts to be the man to me. Today, he picks up my dirty laundry, he washes all my dishes, he picks up my shoes. He bathes Janice, he puts her to bed, he attends to all our needs. Janice and I are very blessed. 

I have learnt to sit back over the year to enjoy this wonderful relationship God has given to me. I realized that I have been too critical and harsh towards Kel and towards myself over the years. Sitting back has caused me to learn contentment and just giving thanks to my mighty God who knows me best to have provided for me the best. Someone who is so different but accepting of every part of me. Someone who is willing to complement my weaknesses with his strength without a single word of complaint. Someone who has never stopped loving despite my hurtful words in midst of my pain. Someone whom I can stroke his hair and his back whilst he's asleep, just thanking God that we are husband and wife. Someone whom I know Janice is in good hands because his love is sacrificial and unpretentious. 

Happy 5th Anniversary my darling. We enter into our 6th year looking up and holding tight to His grace. I love you more each day. really....

 With continuous joy and laughter .... 

and with a deep gratitude. I will cherish you, many, many years to come .... 

Love, Wifey

5th Anniversary Video

I couldn't upload this on Fb, hope this channel works! Thank you Vic, Lucia and Jia Jia for putting this touching video together. I had to hide in my hall and watch it again, holding Kel's hands and crying :)

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

We had an awesome weekend of celebrations. Our 5th wedding anniversary fell on Saturday, 12 May and it was also Mothers' Day yesterday. Before I blog about the wonderful husband I have and my thoughts about the 5th Year, I thought I will write about a group of very important people in my life.

I am very blessed to have met these group of girlfriends in SAJC (2 more girls missing: Yetty and Lilin). Ok, Lynn was kind of a special friend out of the group (one of my ang moh speaking friends - haha) and the rest of 7 of us kind of hung out almost everyday. Anyway before I go on about our history, I want to say a big thank you to you girls in the pic. I booked the venue for my anniversary party, sent out invites via FB but the mastermind behind the touching and fun party were them. Vic took up the role as the event organizer (once a bridesmaid, always a bridesmaid) and she did her delegation: slideshow, games, decor, photo booth, sharing etc. I did nothing and just dressed up and rock up to the party. Even the dress was chosen by Vic and the make up half done by JJ. Thank you, it was exactly how I'd love the party to be and I know you girls made it possible because you love me (us - esp Janice)

I realized I seldom make much mention of my friends on FB/Blog. But you girls have been pivotal in so many junctures of my life. I remembered being reluctant to be in SAJC, Arts faculty, but 2 years there turned out to be one of the best years of my life, mainly because of the friends I made. I can't believe we have grown up together for the past XX years and walked each other through different phases of life. I remembered Vic once shared in my wedding that majority of our friendship was spent long distant (with me spending 11 years in Brisbane) but I can't express how glad to be back in Singapore enjoying the friendship in closer proximity. I thank God for no barriers even after more than a decade being away and I look forward to every single meet up and catch up.

Thank you for taking the effort to visit me and encourage me through this time (plus traveling!). It must have been shocking/hard for you to hear the news when I fell sick and I think we all had some form paradigm shift about life. One of the things I thought about was for Janice to be able to spend as much time with you girls because that's where she's also going to get a dose of who mummy's friends are and how mummy is like. So thank you for loving me, for loving Janice and for the smiles and encouragements you have given to me. You girls are the "bestest" friends anyone could have. I love you!

p.s. Lilin and Yetty, I'm still waiting for two of you to be back!!! :)

Topic of Grace through the wisdom of my Dad

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. I spent about 1/2 of it staying in the hospital. I felt sicker than I ever did for the past 10 months since the cancer was discovered. I went through a couple of "minor" procedures, some was ok, some left me traumatized. I think I really went to the pits. I cried easily and the 2 days after discharged, I felt that I was really in the ruts. I couldn't get out of imagining the worst of everything. I kept thinking how it would be like to have the disease beyond control and how my funeral might look like. I couldn't bear to part with everything, Janice, Kelvin, and all my love ones. Everyday was a blur, and I swung from laughing with Janice to crying like a baby. My brother helped to sort out some thoughts and I figured it's healthy to plan and pen what I would like to see (legally and also other aspects like parenting values etc.). All these planning were logical and in planning, I can then fully put it aside. Since planning is necessary whether I am in this situation or not. In all these to learn to trust God for God, not His healing, not His provision. Just Him, because His plans are good. 

the turning point came 2 days ago. I had the most amazing conversation with my dad. He told me how I am so blessed (and the family) to have gone through many phases of life. From the time I was born, to have grown up, gone through university, found a man I love and loves me, and gave birth to the an amazing daughter till now is the grace of God. He said firmly. He said the grace of God has been upon all our lives even before he knew Jesus. He shared life stories of the number times he could have gone bankrupt, or lost his life but the grace of God we are where we are, not needing to worry about finances even through this tough time. He said when I got diagnosed, he told himself to not ask why, but focus on how to get the family together to stand through this. He asked me if I was happy, because he is. The family is standing closer than ever, and the grace of God is giving us more than sufficient strength to walk through every step.

He said that we can have lots of knowledge. We can even finish the bible many times. But we can never fathom the timing and the plans of God. We are not God. We don't know what happens tomorrow. But we can know that God's grace will enable us to make the right decisions and persevere because of the Holy Spirit living in us. Our sole responsibility is to trust in Him and trust in His plans, His timing. It is about an unrelenting spirit to keep going at every juncture. But when we trust and pray, we can never have conditions attached. We ask, we plead, we believe, but "no conditions" he said. We ask God daily to reduce your pain and get you better, but still, "no conditions attached" Because we have no rights to attach conditions, God is God, we are to remain humble always.

The depth of my dad's convictions humbled me. His wisdom gave me so much light and helped me recognize that though I feel like I am walking in the valley, there is this amazing grace, truly more than sufficient. Every juncture, nook or turn; obstacles or just through a plain day. His grace enables and in my weakness I boast of this power I have from above. 

I thank God for an amazing family and friends who has never given up to love and believe. There was never a word of despair or discouragement, never a word of complaint. I am truly blessed, and I am happy. Because of this grace, because of this love. 

Introducing Moots, Toots and Hoots

One big thing I am grateful about was to be still paid even though I was effectively MIA in FOFTS (Focus on the Family Singapore). For a good 5 months, I was paid and nothing was expected on my end. A kindness I felt I didn't deserve. I felt a little restless by the 6th month and asked if there was anything I could do. 

I then embarked into this incredible world of writing and illustrating children storybooks based on the themes of a program that we run for parents and their pre-schoolers. I was clueless, but it was such a great experience to explore creating my own characters, having a stint at writing some short stories (I think I was obsessed a while to get my sentences to rhyme all the time!) and illustrating the book based on the stories. Eventually, the project couldn't continue on because of a variety of reasons.  I've done a couple of books (the pictures above are some of the illustrations done) but they have yet to reach the soft copy, ready-to-print stage. But it has been such a fun time (sometimes tiring because of the long hours sitting - drawing and coloring). So who knows, I might pick it up again down the road, so if you e-v-e-r see it at the new stand/bookshop, please pick up a copy :) I should do a poll and see if I have enough supporters to continue this project haha.

I have officially ended my season at FOTFS, but this family will forever be close to my heart. I saw how the key people juggled the the different commitments they had to walk the talk. The ministry is a great and needed one, so if you have not heard about it, please click on the link to its website. They also have resources online on topics related to family. And if you share the convictions and passion to strengthen families, the first step could be to DONATE to the ministry or be a VOLUNTEER :) 

A Delight to be a Disciple

After I was D overdosed last week, a friend (was my j.c. teacher) dropped me a message reminding me of a couple of scriptures: Psalm 37:3-4 and John 11:1-43.

I sat on the word (not literally!) for a few days as I worked through a couple of struggles in my heart. I sensed the freedom to keep my life (and my thoughts) simple as I learn to walk with the Lord e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.

Desires - my desires are met by my Lord and I shall not be in want. He satisfy all my needs and knows of all my desires. 

Disciple - Above all my roles on earth, I am a disciple of Christ. Like Peter, and many others in the bible, I have flaws and weaknesses. But I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus. To believe and live out His word and put fulfilling His commission above my plans. To know that sometimes He takes time to mould me, He uses circumstances to shape me, all because He loves me.

Delight - In waiting, instead of seeing it as a Delay thus discouragement, I learn to delight. It teaches me to have a grateful heart. A bitter spirit eats up the joy, and crushes the spirit. I've seen how bitter I can get when I face struggles in parenting, in my marriage, and life in general. Thus I will learn to take Delight as His Disciple. Wouldn't you? If you know that you are a disciple to the great high priest, the wonderful counselor, and the great King over the heaven and earth. He who will freely give - Love, guidance, wisdom and power. 

My human mind can only comprehend how hard and impossible all the above is. But the gentle holy spirit will tell me, keep it simple because" surely I am with you, till the very end of age (Matthew 28:20, Jesus' last words)"

Growing up fast!

Dear Janice,

You're growing up fast! I found a picture of you still swimming in my tummy, about 2 weeks before you popped. And now, you're swimming like a little mermaid, quite fearless in the waters.

You are the biggest joy in our lives, amusing us with your funny statements and witty thoughts. You surprise us with creativity and taught us to look at things in a whole new perspective. You sometimes wake up a grouch but most days wake up like a little sunshine, beaming through your smiles and fill the house with your endless chats.

At 3.5 years old, you have not much problem expressing your thoughts and feelings, and of course your "wants". You enjoy adding and subtraction; likes doing homework [except for chinese :( ]. Your life is filled with pretend play, and you seem to have endless bouts of energy that people often asked how we kept up with you. Though you may not be the "run and climb" around sort, but besides watching and the TV, painting and during meals (you have no choice) you are constantly on a move.

Janice, you're well loved and I pray that the foundation given at home helps to build a healthy sense of security in you. Constantly surrounded by your grandparents, you lack nothing but has been given abundance (toys inclusive), so remember to always treat your love ones in gentleness and love!

You're easily excitable (like your daddy) so its always fun to plant little surprises for you because of the way you eyes lit. Even your Gong Gong and Popo hide toys, plan surprise random trips to the parks, buy Bao (Your love for Bao is another story of its own) for you after school just to see that bright eyes and hear that contagious giggle. 

When we talk about you, we are filled with pride because we are proud of you. We are filled with immense thanksgiving because you are really God's gift to us. Especially to me, you've given me strength and taught me to live each day with joy.

Love you dearly,

Mummy

D overdosed.

It's been a while since I blogged. Its not that life has been that uneventful. But I am just unmotivated. I think being unmotivated to blog is just the surface, i am just unmotivated in general. So I pondered, prayed, D factors came to mind. 

Firstly this blog is Disorganized and I have been hoping that the categories are neater, and the hoping that to give the blog a face-lift. But as you can see, I am still hoping since no actions has been taken. The blog is just one area, there are many areas in my life that I am hoping to see improvements and the truth is that I need (and I want to) take responsibilities over them.

Then came the Discouragements. Ever since the last PET, things went a little downhill, health wise. I fell sick, then there was a bout of cough that lasted a couple weeks, then there was the fractured rib, and I felt easily tired and breathless all over again. All these just felt like a drag and in that few weeks, I really struggled in my devotions and even my bible reading program was on pause. 

So all in all led to a Disarray of priorities. Ever since the start of the year, I have been praying and asking God to direct us (especially for me). Plans, my focus, what's the next step, how I could meaningfully spend my time etc. Though there were the downtimes (health wise again), I feel well enough most days to want to do something. Not just pacing around thinking of where to have my lunch, but "do something" constructive. 

Therefore, I have been doing a lot more, took up projects at my (ex) workplace, serving in the worship ministry, re-conquering my kitchen, meal planning, attempted pilate, home learning plans for J, reorganizing J's room, attend a conference and many other items on the list. And so, I started feeling frustrated. I fell back to my usual bad habits again: Doing and not being able to differentiate what's important and what should be under the good to do, but not the priority list. Where is God leading me, have I stopped to ask? "Let go" there are just some things that are not important, I don't have to achieve them all. 

De clutter needs to take place. I am now back on track with my bible reading program. I am talking to God to figure out what's my call for this season. I am also trying not to focus on the uncertainties that I am incapable of figuring out the outcome (like my health). The husband has a silent retreat planned up for me (all by myself) so the only one I communicate to in that 2 days is God. I am learning to feel at ease to say no to projects (and no to myself). As I am typing all these, I am taking Deep breaths because the most important thing I need to learn is to relax my tense muscles and trust God for His full control. 

p.s. by the way, this post came totally un-planned. In the midst of silence on my blog over the past few weeks/months, there were many note worthy posts, most of them to point to me of God's faithfulness. So tonight, I thought I should give Him the due honor and to somehow blog them down as my "future reference". I needed to start somewhere and was going to write a post about an encounter I had last week. But I got intercepted by D thoughts above. So somehow, I Digressed real bad and will have to Defer my entry because I am now seriously sleepy after this long post. Ha :)

There, I am now overdosed with D :) 

~D end~

Updates: The journey continues

Looks like this leg of the journey is still ongoing. 4 PET scans, 7 Xrays, 6 CT scans, countless blood tests, 6 cycles of Chemo, 6 days of radiation and 3 months of oral drug treatment later, the journey hasn't ended. 8 months ago, I didn't know how long this journey would be and even wondered if that would be the final leg of my journey. 

So at this point, I am still not sure how long it is going to take. Reports from the PET scan and blood test done 2 days ago shows a good and not so good results. The main tumor in the lung (radiated on earlier) has reduced further, and the affected bones and lymph nodes seem to be gone :) The guys who did my PET even thought that these areas were radiated on therefore got better, but we did not. In fact, that was our litmus test to see if the oral drug is actually working and it seems that the drug is working, miraculously. But there're new growths in the same lung and an ovarian cyst which we are still unsure of their "toxicity". Blood test also reflected better readings for one marker and a rise for the other. So after many months, the oncologist continues to conclude me as her most challenging case. I'm still feeling fine physically, so we joked perhaps the problem lies in the machine! Even my dad started to doubt if I was really sick. 

I was a little disappointed though I am still convinced of God's hands upon my life. The God I know who's the almighty and omnipotent God remains true yesterday, today and tomorrow. After some tears last night, I am woke up this morning to be renewed by the promises of God. The 'pause' is not a total halt, I sense a time of preparation, sharpening of vision and building us towards it. 

Psalm 112

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]   Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands. ² His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. ³ Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. ⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. ⁵ Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. ⁶ Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. ⁷ He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. ⁸ His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. ⁹ He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever;his horn will be lifted high in honor.

 ¹⁰ The wicked man will see and be vexed, he will gnash his teeth and waste away; The longings of the wicked will come to nothing. 

Pause

Whilst I was doing my devotions this morning, I suddenly had the picture of Janice tapping on the pause button when she was asked to do something in the midst of her watching video clips (she learnt that herself...kids nowadays). But I felt in my heart that God had somehow hit my pause button some 8 months ago.
In the midst of that 'pause' He has allowed me to filter and figure what matters most.
Many things took its 'pause' over the last 8 months. Career was one, I did way less housework, and many daily routines that sort of fell into place to work around the schedules. But in that midst, my worship grew, my devotions grew, my faith grew. My role as a mom, a wife grew (I tried to spend more time being there rather than busying myself round the house all the time). I have a lot more opportunities to spend time with my parents and friends. I am now putting efforts to work on my passions and plant myself to be an effective sister in Christ in the local church. I learnt to rest.
This 'pause' exposed my vulnerability and showed me to rely on MY mighty God everyday.

One Pot Goodness: Pumpkin Chicken Rice

* sorry this pic was very badly taken because the lighting was bad in the kitchen and I was just too lazy

I love these one pot goodness because they are easy to make and very little washing up. Preparation and washing can be done under 30 mins - * I like :) This particular dish has been my comfort food since Brisbane days.

Ingredients:

Rice - (I used 1/2 short grain rice because I like it slightly sticky)

Chicken fillet (Breast or Thigh) - Sliced up into small pieces, marinate with soya sauce, dash of wine, pepper, sesame oil, and corn flour

Dried Shitake Mushrooms - Pre-soaked for 1-2 hrs

Dried Shrimps - A small handful

Garlic - chopped up

Pumpkin - Cubed

Soya Sauce light and dark

Method:

Put rice into rice cooker

While rice is being cooked,  I prepared the ingredients

- sliced up chicken

- marinate chicken

- chopped up garlic
- cubed the pumpkin

- used scissors to cut up the dried mushrooms

Cooking portion:
- heat up frying pan with oil (I used grapeseed oil)
- add garlic and let it sizzle (not burnt)
- add dried shrimp
- add in pumpkin (if you prefer, you can pre-steam the pumpkin a little to soften and quicken the process)
- add in chicken
- add a dash of dark soya sauce
Lightly stir fry for a minute or so (Pumpkin should more or less be softened and chicken almost fully cooked)

By then the rice in the rice cooker should be almost done (Water dried up when you open the rice cooker)
Add all the ingredients onto the rice and mix well
Let the rice cooker finish its job

Meanwhile, wash up and by then everything should be done.
Serve and garnish with Fried Shallots and sesame seeds (optional)

Today, I have sharks fin melon soup and purple cabbage salad to go with the rice.