Hello 2014

Very quickly, 2013 has come and gone. Looking back at 2013, I can really see that God's gracious hand has been holding and carrying J and myself gently through the year. There were so many provisions that He provided from family and friends that He provided me with, the 6 months contract at Mediacorp which He divinely provided through a friend and also a school for J at the beginning of 2013 (which she really loves to attend). In fact, the list is way longer then just the few blessings mentioned, but instead of boring you with the details, my main point is to tell you that God is good and His mercy endures forever! 

In 2013, I was given the opportunity to write a letter to Janice titled 'To My Daughter' to tell her about how her mother was a woman of tenacity and how difficult it was for me to explain to her what happened to her mummy and also to communicate the hope we can have in Christ through the 'Celebrate Christmas in Singapore magazine 2013' on Pg 28-30.

And later in the year, I was again given the chance to be part of a interview for the Marina Bay Countdown 2013. Inside the short video, I shared about my situation, struggles and also the joys of my life.

I am thankful for these opportunities, not just because I can share about Yen's strength, but more for the times that I had to sit and reflect through the hard questions and try to answer them in both the letter and the video interview. And through these reflections, I learned more about myself and also started to be thankful for my situations rather than be resentful. That's because being resentful does not change the situation that I am in and it makes life a lot harder for J, the people around me and also for myself. But with a thankful heart, I learn to appreciate the little and big things in life that I can presently enjoy and that the future is more important than the past. 

So for me, I have chosen to learn and grow from my past experiences and embrace and enjoy what the future would bring. I am looking forward to 2014 and I hope you are too!

May you all have a Blessed 2014 and continue to count our blessings and start sharing those blessing with those who are less fortune than ourselves! 

"For GREAT is the LORD and most worthy of Praise; HE is to be feared above all gods".

 1 Chronicles 16:25

One Year on.

Recalling our last day as husband and wife just 1 year ago, that still seems so fresh in my mind. Around 3pm, the hospital had to change/upgrade Yen into a Single bed ward because her condition had worsened. Her white blood cells were low, thus making her very weak where the slightest infection that many of us take for granted would possibly kill her.

Upon that news, I was still keeping my hopes high, not willing to feel down about the situation trusting that God would extend His mighty healing hand just at the right time.

The evening passed, Yen could hardly utter words as she has almost lost her ability to speak from the cough and sore throat.I downloaded a ringing bell app on her Iphone so that she could ring it when she needed my help. I had to make sure that I sanitized my hands and wore a mask before I had any contact with her.

Without knowing that it was out last night together, I went to rest, as I was very tired from the previous nights’ stay at the hospital. (If I had known that it was our last night together, I would have spent it holding her in my arms and telling her that I love her and all the plans that I might have for J at that time.) This time since it was a single bed ward, it meant that I finally had a sofa to sleep on instead of the hard floor the past few times where she was staying in the 2 beds wards. So I did get a better night’s rest, but on hindsight, I would rather have slept on the hard floor just so long as she was in a better condition.

When I woke up the next morning, she got up as well, but with only a few sudden gasps of air and then she stopped. I had a shock! I tried ringing the assistance bell and shouted for help. Finally when the nurse came and asked me to step out of the room. It was then that I realized that she had stopped breathing. I was so scared I felt so cold and weak. And I was so lost and overwhelmed with sadness. Thankfully, in my shaky voice, I managed to call home and inform the rest of the family members.

It took the doctors 45 minutes or at least it felt like 45 minutes to resuscitate her, but the doctors told me that she is unlikely to recover from this; they are just keeping her alive with life support machine. Then they wheeled her down to ICU, by this time, most of our family and friends have already arrived at the hospital, each taking turns to bid Yen goodbye.

That was by far the worst day of my life. We’ve talked about it as a couple about this day after Yen was diagnosed, but it still very hard to accept when she really left. I held on tight to her cold hand thinking that it would help, but the situation did not change.

Another difficult part was bringing J see her mummy in that state. At first, J did not want to go into the room to see mummy as she was scared, but her aunt took time to slowly explain to her in very simple terms. I was glad J finally agreed to go into the room. After J said bye-bye to mummy, it was almost instantly that Yen’s heart stopped beating. It seemed like Yen was just waiting for J to come and say goodbye; it was about 1115am then.

I was still praying then, but God’s divine hand did not intervene in this situation. I was devastated with Yen’s departure. I felt totally helpless and have lost all hope for the future. But as I was still crying, this feeling of peace came upon me. It felt like a very comforting hand on my shoulder assuring me that everything is going to be all right.

I was still sad that Yen is not around me anymore, but that feeling was not as overwhelming as the hours before. I was assured that Yen is now in good hands, free from pain, coughing and medication. And that in view of the larger scope of life, God is still in-charged and will take of everything. 

 

One year on, I still tear when I recall what happened. But I am not sure if its because I miss Yen, or that I feel sorry for myself that such a thing would happen to me. Regardless, I’ve slowly over the year learned to accept my situation and to try to make the best of whatever God has placed in my life now. Trusting that God still has great plans lined up ahead for J and myself, and I want to be a part of it. 

Yen's Article in Seasons of Life

Yen submitted this article for editing and printing on the 8th of July 2012, just one day after her 32nd birthday. Sharing her faith and trust in God through the darkest and lowest valley of her life. I hope that you are able to read the words cause I had to change the file to a JPEG file in order to upload it. 

May you be blessed with her testimony.

the 12th of every month

On the 12th of every month, We would affirm our love for each other either through cards, flowers or just going out on a date. The 12th of Dec 2012 would be our 67th monthniversay (we like to call it). The last '12th' we had was the day we received the results of Yen's last P.E.T scan which revealed that her condition had gotten worst and that she would have to start chemotherapy again. That night was really special because we had the chance to lead our beloved cell group for praise and worship. We had a special guest that night too, our very own vicar and his family. I asked Yen if she felt ok to carry on, looking at her, she didn't look ok, but she still wanted to play because she knew that she couldn't sing. Yen really showed me that her priority and purpose was to bring praise and glory to our God and King.

Almost 2 months have passed since Yen's passing and life for Janice and me has not been and never will be the same as before. But one of the things that I am grateful to God for is that Janice is taking the loss of mummy really well. If Janice had been any older, the loss might have been a lot harder for her to bear and in turn harder for me too. So being daddy, Janice choses to cling on to me. She'll ask to follow me everywhere I go, which i think is quite cute at times and also tough at other times.

Just one night ago, someone asked me if I can still sense and feel the comfort of God during this time of difficulty. At first I didn't know how to answer, but when I thought a little more, i realized that the answer was plainly 'no, I find it hard to feel God's comfort over this time'. But what I do know is that when I go to a setting where people are ready to usher in God's presence, such as a church service, I am able to experience more of His comfort and grace.

If you are experiencing grief, discouragement or disappointment with God, don't think that running away from Him will make things better. I struggle a lot over this period as well. When I am alone, I ask Him why, I'll get really upset and try to turn away. But I know that I must not let me surroundings and things that happen to me form my theology about who God is. He is God and He knows best, my lousy circumstances does not make God a lousy God. So when I calm down, I'll have to return and apologize and ask for forgiveness. This seems to be my weekly christian walk lately.

Going to leave you guys with this verse from Ps 139:7-10.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

Please continue to keep us in prayer for the following points:

1. Clear direction and purpose for Janice and myself
2. A specific vocation that God would call me to
3. Help Janice adapt better to her new living arrangements
4. That Janice would grow confident in her position a child of God
5. I can find rest and peace with a greater intimacy with God

Thank you all so much, I know the entire entry is really messy in it's content. I thought I just write whatever that comes to my mind. I pray that you are blessed as well.

PROJECT CHIA YEN

Specially for you Chia Yen Mok: Project Yen

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?It is an avenue for all friends of Chia Yen to share the moments & stories they had with her. These stories that you share will be compiled into a book for Janice to read when she grows up. Through your stories, Janice will then be able to know how Yen was like, what Yen did, how Yen impacted so many lives, how Yen reacted & respond to issues etc. 
In turn hopefully, it'll show Janice how much her mum loved and was loved by others and most importantly inspire Janice to love others the way Yen did.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
You can write some stories or moments you had with Yen. Or in what way Yen has impacted your life. If you're the creative sort, you can write a poem or draw a cartoon or doodle something like how Yen does. Or Send a Funny Picture you took together with Yen and add a funny caption to it. Basically anything that yo can think of that can be translated into a PDF format is welcomed. Even if you still have SMSes, Whatsapp conversations or emails correspondences you had with Yen, just email or print screen.
It's the memories we are after, the MORE the MERRIER.

HOW TO GO ABOUT IT?
Email your sharing to projectchiayen@gmail.com
A couple of things to note:

• You can write either a minimum of a short paragraph or maximum of 1 A4 page (with no spacing)
• Try to attach a pic of you and Yen if possible when you email your write up.
• DEADLINE: 1st DEC 2012

Thank you for your efforts in helping Janice get to know her mum better.

A New Journey has began

I remembered that there were friends who follow Yen's blog fervently and I thought I should let you guys know about Yen's promotion to glory to be with her Lord and Savior.
She left yesterday (20 Oct 2012) @ 1130am.
I want to thank everyone who has been keeping us in your prayer and all your kind and encouraging words that keep flooding our lives to help us live on for the Glory of God our King.

This new journey is going to be really tough without Yen physically by my side. My best friend, lover, consultant (fashion, financial and food) and a very firm supporter. Though tough, I will continue on because that would firstly please my King and secondly make Yen really proud too.

I'll try my best to continue the pages of this blog as Yen would have done. But as you have already read in the previous 2 paragraphs, I cannot write! So if you guys can tolerate my lousy writing, please continue to come back and see our updates; Janice and myself.

The evening walk in the valley

I'm not sure where this post will lead me to. So bear with me ... 

A lot has happened in the past few months. I've completed a whole set of chemotherapy (13 in total) and in the midst traveled to Seoul and to Brisbane after the chemo. We've decided to put more chemo on the hold though I'm not exactly out of the woods yet.

Over the Brisbane trip, God has spoken and renewed much within me. He reminded me of my call, how He has known and is leading. I came back refreshed mentally and spiritually. Almost having a "bring it on!" mentality, of course that said in much humility, knowing it is Him I rely on. 

Things actually started to go downhill. I hung on, prayed, and kept 'marching' on. Nothing can stop me, I told myself. The devil can try to pull my physical body down but not my spirit.  

But today I broke down. The cough that has affected my back, my sleep, my voice (totally lost it now) and now my breathing took its toil.

What does accepting the will of God really mean? I know that regardless of how things pen out, I can trust in His will. It will always be better. But how does it affect me in daily ways? How should I react if the doc were to suggest that I should be stuck on to an oxygen tank? 

What does it mean that I not lose heart? I found it a struggle to grapple, to surrender, to accept, and to live in faith all at one go. 

When David said that even if he walks through the valley of shadow of death, he fears nothing because God is with Him. I felt as though I am actually walking through the valley, its rocky, its dark, its difficult. I trip, I fall. Its painful. 

I am having difficulties expressing myself. Not just the detangling of what is on my mind, but I can barely speak out anything audible. But interestingly Kel shared what God has been speaking and what he is grappling with. The accepting of His will. How Abraham went all the way to sacrifice Isaac. He did not know what God was going to do. He merely did his part. He's at the point, not knowing the will of God, learning to trust, learning to balance surrendering and faith. We share such similar sentiments. God is speaking to us! So then, what's our part to play this very point?

The seeking of His peace (that we know transcends all understanding) is possible. 

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." 

As I sat reading His words, I am reminded of transactions made in worship and praises before Him. I plucked myself out and sat before the keyboard to allow His spirit to guide me in worship. If I can't sing, I shall play! 2 songs came out, "I long to worship you my Lord" and "How could I keep from singing". I understood today once again that I cannot flee from His presence and go from His Spirit. The devil can rob me of everything, but will never be able to stop me from experiencing the heavenly transactions through worship. He can't stop me from worshipping my God, because I can worship when I am down or up, any circumstances.

Today's evening walk in the valley was a breathless one. Very uncomfortable (I mean literally as well). But it's given me another boost, another call for His grace.

Quietly alive :)

It's been a deafening silence on this site. I can't believe I last blogged 4 months ago. There is much to update, but they haven't quite made it here. Will try!
Meanwhile, for those who follow this blog but are not my FB friends, let you know that I'm still alive. :D

I miss juggling

I miss juggling. Not the cirques kind of juggling, but juggling life. Its strange that when life zooms you by, you want the peace and quiet, and just to be able to breathe. But sometimes I feel that I have breathed enough and its time to go, but to realize I don't know where. 

I miss being in control, over the meals of my family, our schedules and having a spreadsheet to manage my time and juggle between work, family and church. I want to be a supermom. Allowing the adrenalin to rush like crazy sometimes, only to find that I am running like a headless chicken.

I spent the past few weeks reading about the pride and downfall of kings in the Old testament. All who started off in awe and dependence on God but later went on their own ways, finding their own solutions in life and proud at their own achievements. I reflected on my own and noticed the blessedness of being stripped to total dependence, not knowing how life is going to pen out. It is 'oh so uncomfortable' and so liberating at the same time. I can't describe.

Still, I long for the day when my strength is back to 110%. The extra 10% comes because I am charged with new perspectives and empowerment, to know that my strength comes from the boast of the power from above. That I can juggle again, because He enables me. 

5 Years on - Stronger

We celebrated our 5th anniversary over the weekend. We had a blast with a big group of family and friends. It was touching and intimate, and it was extremely fun. Oh and the food was great. We still can't believe that we've been married for half a decade. It felt short, but at the same time felt as though we've been together forever (in a good way).  5 years on, I know this marriage has been strengthened, refined and our love has gone deeper. I used to fantasize a wedding and marriage filled with romance and surprises and somehow along the years I was still hit with bouts of insecurity of whether such would ever be fulfilled and if I would ever learnt to be contented. As we crossed the midnight mark stepping into our 6th year of marriage, I closed my eyes and asked God for His word. It was contentment, I suddenly could look back at everything with eyes of contentment of what God has given to me. It was beautiful. I recalled my wedding as a wonderful memory, the times of disappointments I couldn't seem to let go over the years became lessons learnt and forgiven and most importantly, the 5 years of walking through the ups and downs were the best thing that has ever happened. I know Kel better and I know how much I am loved and cherished. Not a single doubt. I suddenly understood contentment. I think the past one year has shaped us (me especially) into  new people and I confidently say the old has gone. 

I remember the day after diagnosis, I had conversation with Ailing (Kel's elder sis) and she said that her brother is the best person to walk through this journey with me. I couldn't agree more, because over the months, so many people have commented on how amazing Kel has been. I couldn't agree more. I have never seen him as steady as this and he has been my pillar in every area. 

We are so different. The marriage prep test we took before we got married exposed our differences. We got married and there was no end to comparing our different we are. We laugh about them, we bicker, we argue, we cry over them. At some point we were so helpless that we thought, maybe we need some help to deal with our differences. But one thing I took my hat off is that he has never given up. Despite having difficulties to express himself like any other guy, he strived to communicate his thoughts, he took so much efforts to be the man to me. Today, he picks up my dirty laundry, he washes all my dishes, he picks up my shoes. He bathes Janice, he puts her to bed, he attends to all our needs. Janice and I are very blessed. 

I have learnt to sit back over the year to enjoy this wonderful relationship God has given to me. I realized that I have been too critical and harsh towards Kel and towards myself over the years. Sitting back has caused me to learn contentment and just giving thanks to my mighty God who knows me best to have provided for me the best. Someone who is so different but accepting of every part of me. Someone who is willing to complement my weaknesses with his strength without a single word of complaint. Someone who has never stopped loving despite my hurtful words in midst of my pain. Someone whom I can stroke his hair and his back whilst he's asleep, just thanking God that we are husband and wife. Someone whom I know Janice is in good hands because his love is sacrificial and unpretentious. 

Happy 5th Anniversary my darling. We enter into our 6th year looking up and holding tight to His grace. I love you more each day. really....

 With continuous joy and laughter .... 

and with a deep gratitude. I will cherish you, many, many years to come .... 

Love, Wifey