I have been thinking and praying these days regarding what is to come when bub arrives. Especially in the area of ministry but somehow the hardest part seems to be battling against a voice speaking that tells me to be realistic and not idealistic. Kel and I prayed for a while before we eventually submitted to God to start trying for our family. It was, to us a big decision to make and we were rather apprehensive initially. Not just with regards to how we are going to cope as first time parents, but also with respect to our calling and our ministry currently. With both of us in the students' ministry (leading separate groups), we understood the intense nature of the ministry especially when we talk about specific seasons and also the pace of discipleship. We somehow had the peace of God to go ahead and began that faith adventure with Him. I would say that it is the grace of God when He blessed us almost immediately the little bub, we were amazed. I was grateful for His grace which always melts me to bits knowing of my inadequacies and doubts of His provision. I carried worries and anxieties of not knowing when/how i would get pregnant considering my previous medical conditions. He gave me a dream to tell me of the pregnancy which led me to discover the pregnancy at about 3 weeks (people don't normally discover that early). Still I worried first few weeks to months of the pregnancy as I discovered the high rates of miscarriages and complications. Time again, it was His grace that sustained me, reminding me that He was the one who gave and He will carry us through.
Now I seem to be in the rut again, worrying on how ministry will be like when bub arrives. Though there were mothers around of whom have inspired me that things are possible as we trust God, there were also examples around me that scared me and ones who would speak from experience to tell me of the things i may not be able to handle and cope.
As I pondered over the questions mentioned in my previous post, I became so afraid to even pen down the things that God has spoken over the years and was hesitant upon the convictions that was supposed to have been built. I feared of how I would fail the ones I disciple and the group because of lack of availability and me succumbing to "I can't do it". I know my weakness that i can be a real softy at times and find overcoming the tiredness and stress way too hard. Already, in pregnancy I whined to Kel at times I don't get enough rest, food, sleep or that physically, it got too uncomfortable. Perhaps, I am thinking way too much and need to learn how to rest in God, not just physically, but mentally.
This 2 weeks set aside for fasting and prayer has helped. Though I am not physically abstaining from food, the deliberate times of seeking God for a breakthrough is helping me back to focus. Not there 100% but still, I trust that His grace is more than sufficient. The voice of the Holy Spirit is slowly getting louder than the negative voice that tells me "I cannot". His voice reminding me of His promises and how it was His grace that has provided and blessed us, and I do not have to retract and doubt. We prayed and submitted our family plans, He gave and He blessed. That simple. My role now is to trust and embrace what is ahead, to let what my faithfulness and love for Him not leave my heart. He reminded me to grow in my love and relationship with Him above all else and He will grant me the wisdom to balance and juggle. He reminded too that my seemingly "ploughing" and preparation for what is ahead is not a matter of sheer determination and "bull strength" but a reap of His gracious provision.
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