Not Alone

I felt really odd driving out to meet a bunch of girlfriends for dinner to celebrate Lil's birthday. I felt even more odd as I got back into the car to drive home. It's been a year (or more?) since I drove out myself at night, without Janice, without Kelvin. I read a lot lately about "me" time and since Janice was born, it's practically non-existent. Tonight was one rare night. Though I felt the sudden "liberty" to be out, meeting up with people, no agenda. Bed-time, meal, etc all taken care of by the loving daddy, yet the weird feeling of wanting to be home at the same time, missing the baby smell on her head.

On the eve of Janice's first, I had the time and space to think and reflect. Just a short 20 mins, but the amount of space was amazing. I wondered about my identity and how the role of motherhood has taken over my life, like some massive invasion. Physically, I am never alone, because Janice is with me, almost 24/7. I felt strangely lost without her presence but at that point I was just anchored by simply the presence of God that is with me, reminding me of my true identity.

Lots of other thoughts came in, that reminded me how grounded I am with Jesus in me and a husband who loves me. And of course this little girl who cracks me up (both in tears and laughters) all the time. I am starting to understand a wee bit of what it is to learn to live in the present. I am glad, I am not alone.

Happy Birthday you chimmy chummy baby, I love you to bits (1st year entry for you will come soon). And to the best hubby, you've made a great mark as a daddy. And I am just so glad she's calling out for you all the time, her "daddddeeeee" melts my heart too.