the 12th of every month

On the 12th of every month, We would affirm our love for each other either through cards, flowers or just going out on a date. The 12th of Dec 2012 would be our 67th monthniversay (we like to call it). The last '12th' we had was the day we received the results of Yen's last P.E.T scan which revealed that her condition had gotten worst and that she would have to start chemotherapy again. That night was really special because we had the chance to lead our beloved cell group for praise and worship. We had a special guest that night too, our very own vicar and his family. I asked Yen if she felt ok to carry on, looking at her, she didn't look ok, but she still wanted to play because she knew that she couldn't sing. Yen really showed me that her priority and purpose was to bring praise and glory to our God and King.

Almost 2 months have passed since Yen's passing and life for Janice and me has not been and never will be the same as before. But one of the things that I am grateful to God for is that Janice is taking the loss of mummy really well. If Janice had been any older, the loss might have been a lot harder for her to bear and in turn harder for me too. So being daddy, Janice choses to cling on to me. She'll ask to follow me everywhere I go, which i think is quite cute at times and also tough at other times.

Just one night ago, someone asked me if I can still sense and feel the comfort of God during this time of difficulty. At first I didn't know how to answer, but when I thought a little more, i realized that the answer was plainly 'no, I find it hard to feel God's comfort over this time'. But what I do know is that when I go to a setting where people are ready to usher in God's presence, such as a church service, I am able to experience more of His comfort and grace.

If you are experiencing grief, discouragement or disappointment with God, don't think that running away from Him will make things better. I struggle a lot over this period as well. When I am alone, I ask Him why, I'll get really upset and try to turn away. But I know that I must not let me surroundings and things that happen to me form my theology about who God is. He is God and He knows best, my lousy circumstances does not make God a lousy God. So when I calm down, I'll have to return and apologize and ask for forgiveness. This seems to be my weekly christian walk lately.

Going to leave you guys with this verse from Ps 139:7-10.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

Please continue to keep us in prayer for the following points:

1. Clear direction and purpose for Janice and myself
2. A specific vocation that God would call me to
3. Help Janice adapt better to her new living arrangements
4. That Janice would grow confident in her position a child of God
5. I can find rest and peace with a greater intimacy with God

Thank you all so much, I know the entire entry is really messy in it's content. I thought I just write whatever that comes to my mind. I pray that you are blessed as well.