I miss juggling

I miss juggling. Not the cirques kind of juggling, but juggling life. Its strange that when life zooms you by, you want the peace and quiet, and just to be able to breathe. But sometimes I feel that I have breathed enough and its time to go, but to realize I don't know where. 

I miss being in control, over the meals of my family, our schedules and having a spreadsheet to manage my time and juggle between work, family and church. I want to be a supermom. Allowing the adrenalin to rush like crazy sometimes, only to find that I am running like a headless chicken.

I spent the past few weeks reading about the pride and downfall of kings in the Old testament. All who started off in awe and dependence on God but later went on their own ways, finding their own solutions in life and proud at their own achievements. I reflected on my own and noticed the blessedness of being stripped to total dependence, not knowing how life is going to pen out. It is 'oh so uncomfortable' and so liberating at the same time. I can't describe.

Still, I long for the day when my strength is back to 110%. The extra 10% comes because I am charged with new perspectives and empowerment, to know that my strength comes from the boast of the power from above. That I can juggle again, because He enables me.