Lead me On!

Although finding out that I am pregnant and the waiting upon upcoming arrive of little Mok has brought about so much joy and excitement, I would say there has been trying times through this season too. Haha actually I asked for it :) Earlier in the pregnancy, as I poured through books about pregnancy, I read about how morning sickness sort of shows signs of healthy pregnancy and that it shows that you are producing good hormones that prevents miscarriages (many pregnancies go through successfully even without morning sickness). I was feeling perfectly ok apart from fatigue in the earlier weeks of pregnancy and I started to let anxiety overwhelm me. Filled with many "what ifs", I started secretly praying and even mentioned to my dear hub that I wished I could experience some form of morning sickness so that I feel more assured of the pregnancy. Such things shouldn't be asked because one week after that, nausea started followed by a near daily 'merlion' syndrome till now. Its been trying with a near perpetual hunger combined with nausea, there were times I wished to be hibernating and that God will somehow sustain me and fill my hunger! For all who know me well enough, I love food and not being able to gobble in when hunger strikes just isn't that pleasant :)

Actually ranting on the situation wasn't my purpose of this entry. I know it will end and God will grant me the strength and all that I need. Perseverance is what He is still doing in me and I trust that He will bring it deeper each day. As I look back, besides asking for His strength, I was crying out more for Him to speak to me. In fact, I know that times like this where my strength cannot be depended is the best time to be seek Him and waiting upon Him.

Initially I thought things have been futile, in my desperate seeking, I wonder why I haven't heard a single word. Not that I was expecting Him to speak in any specific area, but somehow I know He is going to speak. I think I finally experienced some breakthrough these few days especially today. And no, it did not come as a whirlwind nor in clear distinct voice. It came with just gentle tuggings to pray for various issues. But what excites me is God speaking to me in areas of vision and purpose. Somehow I doubted on how and what could progress in this area when the thought of lugging the entire family of perhaps more future kiddos to missions seems distant and vague. But somehow I clearly felt the tugging "He will make a way". I prayed through in areas of passion for people groups till i fell asleep in contentment (till the phone rang!) stirred with excitement, a big difference from my usual discomforts of inability to find a good sleeping position (I can't believe that I am starting the aches on my hips and back so early!)

Well, all I can say is that Lead me on, God. I look forward to hear your voice more!