Recalling
our last day as husband and wife just 1 year ago, that still seems so fresh in my
mind. Around 3pm, the hospital had to change/upgrade Yen into a Single bed ward because her
condition had worsened. Her white blood cells were low, thus making her very
weak where the slightest infection that many of us take for granted would
possibly kill her.
Upon that news, I was still keeping my hopes high, not willing to feel down about
the situation trusting that God would extend His mighty healing hand just at
the right time.
The
evening passed, Yen could hardly utter words as she has almost lost her ability
to speak from the cough and sore throat.I downloaded a ringing bell app on her
Iphone so that she could ring it when she needed my help. I had to make sure
that I sanitized my hands and wore a mask before I had any contact with her.
Without
knowing that it was out last night together, I went to rest, as I was very
tired from the previous nights’ stay at the hospital. (If I had known that it
was our last night together, I would have spent it holding her in my arms and
telling her that I love her and all the plans that I might have for J at that
time.) This time since it was a single bed ward, it meant that I finally had a
sofa to sleep on instead of the hard floor the past few times where she was
staying in the 2 beds wards. So I did get a better night’s rest, but on
hindsight, I would rather have slept on the hard floor just so long as she was
in a better condition.
When
I woke up the next morning, she got up as well, but with only a few sudden
gasps of air and then she stopped. I had a shock! I tried ringing the
assistance bell and shouted for help. Finally when the nurse came and asked me
to step out of the room. It was then that I realized that she had stopped breathing.
I was so scared I felt so cold and weak. And I was so lost and overwhelmed with
sadness. Thankfully, in my shaky voice, I managed to call home and inform the
rest of the family members.
It
took the doctors 45 minutes or at least it felt like 45 minutes to resuscitate
her, but the doctors told me that she is unlikely to recover from this; they
are just keeping her alive with life support machine. Then they wheeled her
down to ICU, by this time, most of our family and friends have already arrived
at the hospital, each taking turns to bid Yen goodbye.
That
was by far the worst day of my life. We’ve talked about it as a couple about
this day after Yen was diagnosed, but it still very hard to accept when she
really left. I held on tight to her cold hand thinking that it would help, but
the situation did not change.
Another
difficult part was bringing J see her mummy in that state. At first, J did not
want to go into the room to see mummy as she was scared, but her aunt took time
to slowly explain to her in very simple terms. I was glad J finally agreed to
go into the room. After J said bye-bye to mummy, it was almost instantly that Yen’s
heart stopped beating. It seemed like Yen was just waiting for J to come and
say goodbye; it was about 1115am then.
I
was still praying then, but God’s divine hand did not intervene in this
situation. I was devastated with Yen’s departure. I felt totally helpless and
have lost all hope for the future. But as I was still crying, this feeling of
peace came upon me. It felt like a very comforting hand on my shoulder assuring
me that everything is going to be all right.
I
was still sad that Yen is not around me anymore, but that feeling was not as
overwhelming as the hours before. I was assured that Yen is now in good hands,
free from pain, coughing and medication. And that in view of the larger scope
of life, God is still in-charged and will take of everything.
One
year on, I still tear when I recall what happened. But I am not sure if its
because I miss Yen, or that I feel sorry for myself that such a thing would
happen to me. Regardless, I’ve slowly over the year learned to accept my
situation and to try to make the best of whatever God has placed in my life
now. Trusting that God still has great plans lined up ahead for J and myself,
and I want to be a part of it.
