I'm not sure where this post will lead me to. So bear with me ...
A lot has happened in the past few months. I've completed a whole set of chemotherapy (13 in total) and in the midst traveled to Seoul and to Brisbane after the chemo. We've decided to put more chemo on the hold though I'm not exactly out of the woods yet.
Over the Brisbane trip, God has spoken and renewed much within me. He reminded me of my call, how He has known and is leading. I came back refreshed mentally and spiritually. Almost having a "bring it on!" mentality, of course that said in much humility, knowing it is Him I rely on.
Things actually started to go downhill. I hung on, prayed, and kept 'marching' on. Nothing can stop me, I told myself. The devil can try to pull my physical body down but not my spirit.
But today I broke down. The cough that has affected my back, my sleep, my voice (totally lost it now) and now my breathing took its toil.
What does accepting the will of God really mean? I know that regardless of how things pen out, I can trust in His will. It will always be better. But how does it affect me in daily ways? How should I react if the doc were to suggest that I should be stuck on to an oxygen tank?
What does it mean that I not lose heart? I found it a struggle to grapple, to surrender, to accept, and to live in faith all at one go.
When David said that even if he walks through the valley of shadow of death, he fears nothing because God is with Him. I felt as though I am actually walking through the valley, its rocky, its dark, its difficult. I trip, I fall. Its painful.
I am having difficulties expressing myself. Not just the detangling of what is on my mind, but I can barely speak out anything audible. But interestingly Kel shared what God has been speaking and what he is grappling with. The accepting of His will. How Abraham went all the way to sacrifice Isaac. He did not know what God was going to do. He merely did his part. He's at the point, not knowing the will of God, learning to trust, learning to balance surrendering and faith. We share such similar sentiments. God is speaking to us! So then, what's our part to play this very point?
The seeking of His peace (that we know transcends all understanding) is possible.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."
As I sat reading His words, I am reminded of transactions made in worship and praises before Him. I plucked myself out and sat before the keyboard to allow His spirit to guide me in worship. If I can't sing, I shall play! 2 songs came out, "I long to worship you my Lord" and "How could I keep from singing". I understood today once again that I cannot flee from His presence and go from His Spirit. The devil can rob me of everything, but will never be able to stop me from experiencing the heavenly transactions through worship. He can't stop me from worshipping my God, because I can worship when I am down or up, any circumstances.
Today's evening walk in the valley was a breathless one. Very uncomfortable (I mean literally as well). But it's given me another boost, another call for His grace.
