It was one of those days when getting out of a negative thought cycle was such a struggle. I wanted to blog during one of those days, but I couldn't even get to my laptop. I suppose it was good, because I don't like to lament during those days, but prefer to write when I can see it, in some way of retrospect.
Those days were the days I felt weak, and nausea and vicious cycle of not seeing the light out of the tunnel, praying and struggling to focus beyond where I am and what my family could possibly be going through. It was real, those thoughts and struggles. As much as I am writing now, in some way retrospectively, I know I will still walk through such valleys, whether it is pertaining to the current situation or some other circumstances down the road. But I also know His love is unfailing, and with every bit of remaining sanity, I will cling on to that, and He catches me. And again, I felt it this afternoon, sitting in a huge lazy boy armchair doing my 3rd chemo. I felt nausea, restless, even resentful slightly when someone I did not know came by to want to pray and asked me if I had unforgiveness. I sat there and started speaking in tongues, and all I knew was, though what seemed like eternity (2.5-3hrs) sitting there, His grace somehow carried me through, as I listened to Chris Tomlin's I will rise. And now I am sitting here, a lot lighter hearted.
3 things I know I am struggling with during one of those days:
1. Beat myself up
You know I can beat myself up, spending some days really in tune and close to God. And there will be some days when complacence sets in. Then physically I will go through another hurdle and I can beat myself up again for not remaining close to God enough to walk through the hurdle with joy and gladness in my heart. But I really got to learn and I know that the holy spirit is reminding me time and again that really, nothing I can do can make Him love me less or more, but He has given me everything. Hey, I can have full confidence in His grace that is more than sufficient to carry me through everything. Including my horridest humanly sinful weaknesses. I just need to come to Him again and again. I am learning and breakthrough will come.
2. Legalism
On the another swing of the matter. I am not here to make ticks and checklists. Not how consistent I can do my quiet time. I can have full security to rest when I need to, and wake up with joy in my heart to enjoy and be captivated by Him. I am learning this. God, please remind me daily, my joy is in the salvation I am working on daily :) Legalism also coming in the form of fear of not doing what I think is good. Like eating a measured load of vegetables, organic produce or guilty to guts when stealing a bite of salty carrot cake, a mouth of cake etc. Will my condition improve or worsen? Oh no what have I just done? I've got to understand the choices I make that should come out of my intention of taking life responsibly as a good steward, not out of fear. My trust in healing is not upon how "obedient" I can be or how many right things I have done, who/what I have prayed for. But my trust in God and His sovereignty, goodness and faithfulness. My trust in Him, His character and nothing else.
3. Paranoia
Again very linked. What ifs? Will I need to go through life, paranoid at the food I am going to take, my daughter, my husband's, my loved ones health? My health? Pains, discomforts, coughs? All a sign of something? I think of how I am going to balance my thoughts. Worry worts seem to run in the family, and I want to break it, because I know it is one thing that steals me away from the my trust in God. A couple of weeks back, I had the privilege to write out a list of chinese verses for my mom all in the area of God's faithfulness and how we ought not to worry. I wrote in the note to my mom saying that each time she worries, she will be falling in the trap of the enemy, so each time she worries, she needs to meditate on these verses. I spoke that out of faith and proclamation also for myself. It will be a breakthrough of faith here. Far away from what has blinded us for years.
So now once again, I want to remain myself, and you, that the Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (you), and He who raised Christ from the dead will also give live to my (your) mortal body (bodies) through His spirit who lives in me (you). Roman 8:11
Let me tell you the story behind this verse (Sunita, I promised I will start documenting some of these things down:)
Two days before the condition was "confirmed" I was sitting at the waiting room before the last and "determining" scan. I remembered this very word that rung in my mind continuously. I remembered the day after I was diagnosed by the doctors about my condition, I wanted so much to know how much His word was relevant to me. Not just a general principle, but for me. It was funny, because I was sitting in my parent's living room, thinking as I looked out of the window. This truck, from nowhere drove past, and the word on the truck was "RHEMA". In red. I was like, God, you have a sense of humor here. The truck drove by, in slow speed. And at the back of the truck, just before it sped off said "You are in good hands". Funny right. It made me laughed so hard. That very evening, Pastor Jo came for a visit and said, I was meditating in the morning and this verse kept coming up and I felt it was really for you. Read Romans 8:11.
